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Highway to Heaven
by Laura Resnick
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Copyright (c)1997 Laura Resnick
First published in Highwaymen: Robbers and Rogues, DAW Books, June 1997
Fictionwise Contemporary
Science Fiction and Fantasy
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She was a pretty little thing, no denying it. Slim, blonde, young --
maybe a little overdressed for the job, but, hey, who am I to tell a dame what
to wear? Still, I gotta say, that skirt was so short that no daughter of
_mine_ would've been allowed out of the house in it. And now this girl would
be wearing that skimpy orange thing through all Eternity. Just goes to show
you: parents can never be too careful. But then, according to the Boss, this
girl's parents had been a couple of real polenta-eaters, anyhow.
"Excuse me," the girl said to some guy riding by on an elephant. He
ignored her. "_Excuse_ me," she repeated. "You're going to have to stop and
wait your turn. As you can see, this lady got here before you." She pointed to
an old broad in a wheelchair.
"Out of my way, woman!" the guy snapped, urging his elephant to keep
going.
"Aren't we done here _yet?_" The old woman sounded kind of pissed off.
"Oh, pardon me for doing my job." The girl sounded pretty pissed off,
too. "_Hull-o-o-o!_ I've already explained to you how this works. Now, are you
going to hand over -- "
"Onward! Onward, Maia, onward!" cried the guy on the elephant.
The girl, whose name (according to the Boss -- who's never wrong, after
all) was Mimi, waved her clipboard at the elephant. It shied away from her --
and backed straight into a buggy. No, not a baby thing; I mean one of those
horse-drawn things. The horse squealed and made a mess all over the highway.
The man in the buggy started shouting. So did the old lady _and_ the pansy on
the elephant.
I rolled my eyes and decided it was time to step in and take charge. No
_wonder_ the Boss had sent me here to straighten things out!
I pulled out my piece and fired into the air. That got everyone to shut
up real fast. Then I pointed it straight at the guy on the elephant. "Yo! Hey,
you! Yeah, _you_... Get this elephant under control right now, buddy, or
you're going straight back to Purgatory. In a _box_. You know what I'm saying,
pal?"
He sort of foamed at the mouth, then demanded, "Do you know who I _am_?
Do you have any idea whom you're speaking to, peasant?"
"Yeah," I said, "a guy wearing his girlfriend's silk pajamas and riding
a gold-trimmed elephant."
"My girlfriend's pa-pa -- " He sputtered. "How _dare_ you!"
"Take it easy," I warned. "You'd be one of them marijuanas, wouldn't
you? I seen one before."
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"Mirages," Mimi corrected me.
"Maharajahs!" the guy screamed.
"Whatever," Mimi said. Her voice was kind of nasal. I could see where
it might get on your nerves if you'd just spent a few hundred years in
Purgatory. "But now you're just another pilgrim on the Road to Salvation,
mister, and you're going to have to wait your t -- "
"The road to _where_?" he bleated.
"Sal-va-tion," I said, real slow and clear to help him understand. He
sounded kind of foreign, and Mimi talked faster than a welsher promising he'd
cough up the dough _next_ week.
The maharajah frowned and looked confused. "No, no, that can't be
right. I was... on my honeymoon."
"You honeymooned on an elephant?" I asked.
Mimi made a face. "How romantic -- _NOT_!"
"I was _hunting_," he snapped.
"You went hunting on your honeymoon?" Mimi scowled.
"I was trying to bag a tiger. As a gift for my bride."
Mimi went a little pale. "Gross!"
"My father told me that sort of thing impresses women," the maharajah
insisted.
"Haven't you ever heard of Green Peace?" Mimi demanded. "Don't you know
that wearing animal skins is retro, as in _very_?"
"So you died hunting on an elephant," I said. "Personally, I'd rather
be blown away by a .45 in the middle of a good meal on Mott Street, but, hey,
who am I to judge?"
"Blown away by forty-five _whats_?" he asked, looking really confused
now.
"Maybe that's a little after your time," I suggested. "When did you buy
the farm?"
"What farm?"
"He _means_," Mimi said, shoving past me, "when did you die?"
The maharajah clutched a hand to his throat and went all pale and sick
looking. "Am I... I'm... Are you saying this is... I'm _dead_?"
"Oh, give the maharajah a low-tar cigarette," Mimi said. _"Hull-o-o-o!_
This is the highway to Heaven."
"No one talked to you about this in Purgatory?" I asked.
"Didn't you read the instruction manual?" Mimi asked.
"Ah, half the people coming through Purgatory _can't_ read, kid," I
pointed out.
"Well, they've certainly got plenty of time to _learn_," she said,
kinda snotty-like.
"Just ignore her, Mirage," I said. "Kids, today -- whaddya gonna do?"
"That's _Maharajah_," he said through gritted teeth.
"Kind of a mouthful, dontcha think?"
"_Excuse_ me." Mimi poked me. "Who _are_ you?"
"I'm Vito the Knuckles Giacalone," I told her, "and I been sent by the
Boss to get your operation running more smoothly."
"The Boss?" she repeated.
"Yeah. You know: the Big Guy, the Head Hauncho, the Big Kahuna, the
_capo di tutti capi_."
The old broad in the wheelchair rolled forward. "Wait a minute! Are you
saying you've been sent by... God?"
"Hey, that's _Mister_ God to you, sister!" The Boss don't like no
disrespect.
"Are you trying to tell me that the Supreme Deity sent _you_ to tell
_me_ how run my station?" Mimi sneered. "As _if_!"
"I say there!" The guy in the buggy that was stuck behind the elephant
hopped down and came running up. Yeah, _everybody_ had to get into the act
now. "See here, my good man! What's the delay? What's the hold up, eh?" He
sounded a little foreign, too, and kind of girly.
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"Get back in your buggy, buddy. This don't concern you."
He got all uppity. People are pretty impatient to get on with their
journey after cooling their heels in the Purg for a couple of centuries. "I'll
have you know that's a barouche, not a-a -- Never mind. And this does concern
me, damn your eyes! Do you know how long I've been trying to get to -- "
"That ain't my problem, buster!" I pointed the business end of my rod
at him.
"_Excuse_ me," Mimi nasaled at me. "I do _not_ like guns at my station.
The operations manual -- which Saint Peter himself gave to me, I might add --
specifically states that no -- "
"Yeah, well, I'm writing a new rule book, kid," I told her.
"I can't be dead!" cried the maharajah. "I just finished adding a new
wing onto the palace that will hold three hundred concubines!"
"Can I go now?" asked the old broad in the wheelchair. "I wouldn't have
bothered going to Church every single Sunday for ninety-three years if I'd
know it was still going to take this long to get to Heaven."
"Park it, sister!" I said.
Mimi was flipping through the charts on her clipboard. "I don't have a
maharajah listed," she said. "There must be some mistake."
"That much is obvious," said the buggy guy.
Mimi blinked at him. "Are you on staff, too?"
"No, of course not."
"Then what do you know about it?" I said, shoving him aside to read the
schedule over Mimi's shoulder. She was right: no maharajahs. "He don't belong
here," I agreed.
"My point precisely," said the buggy guy.
"Who are _you_?" Mimi asked.
"It's not his turn till you're done with me!" the old broad snapped.
"Until you're willing to hand over your Impatience and Hostility," Mimi
said, "you're not going anywhere. How many more times do I have to explain
this to you?"
"I," said the buggy guy, "am Sir Leslie Collingsworth-Pickett."
I took a quick peek at the schedule. "Okay, pal, you're on the list.
But the old broad is right; she was here first."
Sir Leslie cleared his throat and took me aside while Mimi and the old
lady went back to bickering. "Now, see here, my good man... There's obviously
been some mistake."
"Didn't Mimi and me just finish saying so?"
"I _mean_..." He looked over his shoulder at the others. "A foreign
chap? And a woman who is _obviously_, if I may so, a member of the lower
orders." He made a _tsk-tsk_ sound and shook his head. "I was under the
impression that I was headed for an entirely different sort of place."
"That can still be arranged," I warned him. "Mister Lucifer gives me a
cut of every pilgrim I send him, and the Boss looks the other way as long as
he gets his -- "
"No! I meant... That is to say..." He looked over his shoulder again,
like he thought anyone else on the highway actually gave a shit what he
thought of them, and then whispered, "I was under the impression that there
were... you know... _two_ Heavens. One for... _their_ sort. And then a more
exclusive Heaven; one for only the _best_ sort of people."
I stared at him. "You're kidding, right?"
He scowled. "You must know what I'm talking about. I mean... _surely_
you don't imagine that _I'm_ going to the same place as _they_ are, do you?"
"Ahhhh," I said at last. "I see what you're saying."
"I thought you would! There's a good chap."
"Yeah. And don't worry about nothing. You come to the right place."
"I don't see how -- "
"See, this here is sort of a way station on the road to your Eternal
Destiny."
"A way station?"
Page 3
 
"Uh-huh."
"But I don't see how -- "
"You will. Now get back in your buggy and wait your turn."
"But -- "
"_Do_ it, Leslie."
He eyed my gun. "May I remind you, I'm _already_ dead."
"Getting shot will hurt plenty, even so."
He sighed. "Oh, very well, I'll get back in my barouche. But _do_ let's
try to pick up the pace, shall we? I don't want to miss the start of the
Season in Heaven. Understood?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." I watched him mince back to his buggy.
"What's wrong with him?" Mimi asked.
"I dunno, kid. Maybe that's just what happens when you name a boy
_Leslie_."
The old broad in the wheelchair rolled away and continued on down the
highway, having finally given Mimi all her Impatience and Hostility. It was an
important job Mimi had out here; the Boss don't like no one showing up at the
Pearly Gates loaded down with extra baggage. Heaven just wouldn't be Heaven if
everyone was allowed to bring in all their vices, sins, and faults. So, at all
the way stations along the Road to Salvation, the Big Guy's soldiers gotta
make sure they take away everyone's bad habits and character defects before
letting them continue their journeys.
Now, I could see Mimi was dedicated to the job. The kid just lacked
experience, refinement, training. She just needed an old pro like me to help
her get things under control. Some pilgrims was getting through here without
giving up their most coveted sins and most cherished flaws; others was
complaining real loud about the long wait at Mimi's station. The traffic jam
we had here today was bad for business. The Boss had sent me here to clean up
the operation, and I wasn't going nowhere until the job was done.
"Now about this guy on the elephant," I said.
"Is the Supreme Deity upset with me?" Mimi asked. "Am I, like... going
to lose my job?"
She had dropped the tough act and was looking kinda scared. Yeah, she
seemed like a good kid. We'd work this out. "Don't worry, kid. Mister Yaweh is
very big on giving people a second chance," I said.
"So what do I -- "
"Enough dawdling, woman!" shouted the maharajah. "I am not accustomed
to waiting!"
"Let me handle this," I told Mimi. "Mister Mirage, look at me. Look
right at me. Good. Now tell me: where have you been for the past few
centuries?"
"I, uh..." He screwed up his face and thought about it. "It's all very
vague... I think it started with an 'L.'"
"Oh, boy," I said. "Talk about your mix-ups."
"L?" Mimi repeated blankly. "That means something to you?"
"You're too young to remember," I said. "Hey, buddy, was the place
called Limbo, by any chance?"
His face brightened. "Limbo! Yes! That was it!"
"Good grief," I said. "We're gonna have a _ton_ of paperwork on this
one."
"Limbo?" Mimi repeated.
"Yeah. Before your time," I said. "The Boss closed it down a while
back." The recession hit us, too; we're down-sizing like everyone else these
days.
She looked at the maharajah. "But where have you been since then?"
He was rubbing his chin, trying to remember. "Lost, I think... I
remember a road. It was paved with good intentions."
"Ah, I know the one," Mimi said. "Look, I'm afraid you're going to have
to double back and go to Purgatory."
"But -- "
Page 4
 
"I'm sorry, but those are the rules."
"I _refuse_ -- "
"The lady said you're going back to Purgatory, pal, so that's where
you're going." I waved my piece at him. "One way or another. Understand?"
He harumphed and folded his arms. "I just want you to know that when I
finally meet the Supreme Deity, I fully intend to complain about the service
here."
"That's your prerogative, pal. Meanwhile..."
"Here," Mimi said, thrusting a handout at him. "That's got a list of
1-800 numbers on it, in case you get lost again. On the other side, there's a
map which should help you find Purgatory without further delay."
"Back in the Purg," I added, "they'll assign you a final destination
and plot your route for you."
"Any questions?" Mimi asked.
"Don't ask him that," I said. "Now beat it, buster!"
"He _might_ have had questions," she argued as the elephant trotted
away, the maharajah cursing all the while.
"You got too much of a traffic problem here to go around answering
everyone's questions for all Eternity," I told her. "You're gonna have to
start doing things different around here, kid. No more Miss Nice Guy. No more
letting people talk you into letting them keep some of their faults and vices.
No more debating with the pilgrims."
"But how am I -- "
"From now on, you gotta relieve 'em of those sins and defects _fast_.
Chop-chop. No frills, no spills."
"People aren't exactly _eager_ to hand them over, you know," she said
defensively.
"And that's why the Boss sent _me_. To show you how to take 'em away,
whether people want to give them up or not."
Sir Leslie pulled up in his buggy. "I say! Are we finally ready?"
"Don't bother looking up this one," I said as Mimi starting thumbing
through the schedule.
"Yes, I know he's on the list," she said, "but I need to find out
what's in -- "
"I can _tell_ you what's in his baggage: Vanity and Snobbery."
She gasped and pointed to Leslie's manifest. "That's right! How did you
know?"
I shrugged. "Experience."
"That's amazing!"
I could tell she was gaining a little respect for me now. "Okay, go to
work, kid. I'll give you a few pointers as you go along."
"All right." She licked her lips and looked a little nervous. "Sir
Leslie, at this way station on the Road to Salvation, you're going to have to
surrender your negative baggage if you want to continue down the highway to
Heaven. Now, as they may have explained to you in Purgatory -- "
"Never mind the speech, kid," I said. "Just get the goods!"
She looked uncertain. "But surely -- "
"I say, I'm not handing over _anything_ to you, young woman!" Leslie
snapped. "What the devil d'you take me for? Some lowly -- "
"Look how many people are lined up behind Lord Mimsey here," I said to
Mimi. "We can't waste all day convincing him that this is the right thing to
do. Especially not when you consider that more than half these sojourners is
gonna be bringing Stubbornness here with them!"
"Oh, I hadn't really thought of that." Mimi bit her lip. "But what
should I do?"
"I _certainly_ don't intend to begin the Season in Heaven without all
my baggage!" said Leslie, starting to get a little pink with rage. "The very
_idea_ of -- "
"Hand it over, Leslie!" I pointed my rod at him.
"What?" he blinked.
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