The Sharpest Lives By lvtwilight09.pdf

The Sharpest Lives By lvtwilight09

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6650866/1/

Chapter 1: Without You

Song: Without You (RENT Soundtrack)

EPOV

Today is September 13th – her birthday. I hated September 13th. That's because

five years ago on her birthday my entire world was shot to shit, and the whole

thing is my fault. I overreacted. After what happened on her birthday I was so

afraid of hurting her, I never stopped to think of what she wanted, or really

needed, and now I've lost her.

It's my own fault. My family, Alice especially, told me that leaving was going to

be a mistake but I refused to listen. After a few months of being away from her I

couldn't bear it anymore and tried to go back, but she wasn't there. She was

gone and no one had a clue where she was, not even Charlie. Alice couldn't even

find her future when I asked her to check. It was as if my own words came back

to haunt me – It will be as though I never existed.

I spend all my time with my journals now, my music long forgotten. There was no

reason to play anymore once she was gone. My journals are full of her though,

it's my way of surrounding myself with her, speaking to her, and keeping her with

me even though I have no clue where she is. I already know today will be hard

not just for me, but the whole family – even Rosalie. I hear the worry and

sadness in all of their thoughts. We all stopped living on some level when we left

Bella, and a little bit more when we couldn't find her when went back to look for

her. I sit down at my desk with pen and journal in hand and start to write…

Bella,

It's your birthday today love. I wish I was with you today so I could tell you

Happy Birthday. I miss you so much. It's been five years now and my regret for

what I did has only grown with each of the 1825 days that have gone with us

being apart. I want you to know that I left my heart with you when I left. I hope

you've looked after it for me. While it may no longer beat, it will forever only

belong to you.

I think of you every second of every day. Everyone misses you Bella. Alice and

Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle and Esme, even Rosalie we all miss you. You're 23 today

Bella, and I wonder what you are doing. I'm sure you've become something

great... a professor of literature or something of that sort, knowing how much

you love your books.

Every time we move to a new city, I can't help but wonder if I will find you there.

Maybe I will this time; I refuse to give up hope that one day I will find you again

it's the only thing that makes my existence tolerable anymore. We've just moved

again, but no high school for me this time. Alice, Jasper, and I will be attending

college this go around. How I wish that we could have shared that experience

together.

I wish I could change how things are. I see now how wrong I was to make the

decision to leave without considering what you wanted first. I promise you that if

I get the chance to fix things, I will do everything in my power to make them

right, even if that means my turning you myself. The truth is Bella, while I may

no longer be alive in the traditional sense, I feel truly dead without you. I miss

you so much my love.

-Edward

I put down my pen and put away my journal. I swear if I was capable of crying, I

would be in this moment, I'm not ashamed to admit that. I sigh as I look out the

window and see Jasper and Alice waiting for me by the car so we can head off to

school. I leave my room and head down to them, ready to go on with my day

knowing that I'll just be going through the motions, my thoughts consumed by

Bella and wondering where she is at this moment.

BPOV

Today is September 13th – my birthday. I hated September 13th. Most people

don't hate their birthdays, but I do. That's because five years ago on my

birthday, my entire world was shot to shit, and the whole thing is my fault. If I

weren't so clumsy, if I was just a little bit more careful, maybe we'd still be

together.

September 13th – as much as I hate the day, it's the one day I ever let myself

remember anymore. The only day of the year I let myself feel. Which is why I'm

sitting here in my piece of shit apartment thinking of everything that brought me

to where I am now, which is all alone with no one who cares, writing a letter just

like I have each year since he left. Writing a letter that will never be sent,

delivered, or read by the one person who could probably save me from myself,

but who also left me when he realized I wasn't good enough for him. I sit down at

my table with pen and paper in hand and start to write…

Dear Edward,

It's been five years already. Five years, and it doesn't hurt any less. I wish things

would have been different. I wish I could have been enough, good enough for you

to have stayed. Everything is so different now. I'm not who I thought I would be,

and I'm alone. Charlie probably thinks I'm dead by now. I haven't spoken to him

since he found out about my arrest back in March. Jacob gave up on me long

before then. I guess it was when he finally realized what I was doing.

Everything I did was to hold on to you. After your making me promise not to be

reckless, every time I got close to danger I could hear your voice. So I sought it

out…doing every reckless thing I could just to feel close to you again. The

problem was after a while I couldn't hear your voice any more…so I found

another way to hear it, and this time I was able to see you too, and remember

everything of our time together. But after a while, the remembering began to

hurt too much, and now I just spend my days trying to forget and trying not to

feel.

I'm working now, at a place called The CatScratch Club. It isn't any kind of

important job, I'm not the writer or lit professor you once thought I would

become. I make enough to get me what I need which is all that really matters

anyway because without it I feel like I'm dying.

I can't help but wonder how different everything could have been with us. I still

miss you, every day, with every breath that I take. The truth is Edward, I'm

dying without you. You told me you when you left that it would be as if you never

existed, but you were wrong. I go through the motions, but that's it. I'm not

really living, I know that but there isn't anything I can do to change. Everything

around me goes on…the seasons change, people around me fall in love, and I'm

just here. I wish you could come back, and yet as much as I want you back I'm

afraid of who I would be if you did. I have so much anger and hurt inside. I think

that's all that's left in me…it's all I am anymore because I've died without you.

-Bella

I put down my pen, tears streaming down my face, the drops causing the ink to

run on the page I've just finished writing. I fold up the letter, put it in an

envelope and write his name on it, and tuck it away in a drawer with the other

letters that I know he'll never read.

I go to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror and wonder Why do I put

myself through this every year? I open up the medicine cabinet and see my best

friend sitting there. I know I don't have work for a few hours yet so I pick up my

friend, take off my shoe – gotta be smart you know, can't have Riley see the

evidence on my arms – then I go through my routine, stick the needle between

my toes and shoot the liquid inside the syringe into my body. The last thing I

remember before everything fades away is thinking Fuck remembering, forgetting

is so much better.

Chapter 2: Beautiful Disaster

Song: Beautiful Disaster by Jon Mclaughlin

***BPOV***

I wake up and relish the feel of the cool tile on my face. Looking around I see

that I'm still in my bathroom, but I can tell by the way the sun comes through

the window that it's getting late in the afternoon. I get up and go check the time

on the clock in the kitchen. It reads 2:38. Shit, I hafta be at work at 3 to help set

up for tonight, I think to myself. It's a good thing I only live a few blocks from

work. I scramble to grab my bag and bolt out the door running to make it to work

on time, not even caring that I've been wearing the same clothes since I came

home from work yesterday morning.

***Alice POV***

"Calm down Alice, I can feel the anxiety rolling off of you" says Jasper as we wait

by the car for Edward.

"I'm sorry Jazz, I can't help it. You know what day today is and I just don't know

how he'll handle it this year," I reply and give him a quick peck on the cheek.

I look up and see Edward still in his room and a second later he disappears from

view. I know today won't be easy for him. It won't be easy for any of us.

Hopefully classes today will keep him distracted. I look up when I hear the front

door close and see my brother walking towards the car.

"Hey Edward" I say with a smile as I open my arms to try to give him a hug.

Edward says nothing in reply, just nods his head to acknowledge me, opens up

the driver side door and gets into the car. Today is clearly not going to be a good

day.

As we get on our way towards the university, I try some more conversation with

my brother.

"So Edward, after class lets out this afternoon me and Jazz were going walk

around town, and check out what's around here. You want to come with us?"

"No, not really Alice. I'm just going to head back to the house after class lets out.

I don't really feel like being around anyone today. I just want to be alone."

I don't know why I'm so surprised. I mean, I already knew he was going to say

no. I didn't even need to use my vision to figure that one out. I just sigh as I sit

back in my seat. I try not to get too frustrated with Edward, but sometimes I

can't help it. I mean, he's not the only one who's lost something in this whole

messed up situation. I lost my best friend in all of this. We all miss Bella; I just

wish Edward would realize him shutting down like this makes us all feel like we've

lost him too. Maybe we have, I think to myself.

After class lets out, I tell Edward to go ahead and take the car, its cloudy enough

out so Jazz and I will just walk around town for a while. Truth is, this is my way

of keeping myself distracted for the day. After Edward leaves, Jazz takes my

hand and we head down one of the streets and start exploring where our family

will be spending the next few years. We don't talk much as we walk, and we don't

have any real destination. I think Jazz just knows I need to be preoccupied today,

and I know he needs to be away from the house with all the emotions surging

through everyone.

Jasper and I lose track of time as we're walking around and before I know it, its

dark out. I look at my watch and realize it's almost ten o'clock at night. We're on

a street that has some small shops and some apartment buildings that by the

look of them could probably use some repair work. It's getting breezy out and

that's when I notice it. Its faint but it's definitely there.

"Did you just smell that? Do you really think that it could be..." I trail off unsure if

I even want to finish the question.

"I did Alice, and I think it definitely is. You know, other than Edward, I think I'm

the one who best knows that scent."

I know Jasper is right, which causes me to look around frantically. I would know

Bella's scent anywhere, although I can't figure out what is mixed with it. I look to

my left and I notice boxes of belongings on the sidewalk in front of the building

we are standing by. On top of them is taped an eviction notice. As I glance at the

eviction letter, I notice that it has Bella's name on it.

"Jazz did you see this? This letter has Bella's name on it. It says she got kicked

out of her apartment because she didn't pay the rent. Where do you think she

is?"

"I don't know Alice. I mean, it isn't like we crossed her scent as we walked

around here so she must be out somewhere. Alice…Alice...are you even listening

to me?"

I hear Jasper saying something but it tunes out as I start seeing glimpses of

Bella, and me reading a letter. None of it makes sense, but I notice that I'm

standing here when I'm reading it, so I open up the top box. That's when I see it

– the envelope with Edward's name on it. I can't help but open it and just like I

saw, there is a letter inside. It was dated today.

"Alice. What are you doing? I know we know Bella, but you can't just go through

her things here on the side of the street," hisses Jasper.

"I know that Jazz, but I saw something. I'm supposed to read this letter. I don't

know why. It doesn't make sense. I just know I need to read this," I tell him,

pleading with my eyes for him to understand. He does of course, and nods his

head in response.

I open up the letter and start to read it out loud to Jasper when I'm interrupted

by the angry shouts of a voice that I would know anywhere. I look up when I

hear her speak to me.

"Hey you! Put my shit down before I shove my foot up your ass!"

I hear Jasper stifle a small laugh as I realize she doesn't even recognize me. I

tuck the letter back in the box, and the look up at her, square in the eye.

"Sorry about that," I say to her, but before I can even finish getting the words

out of my mouth I hear her gasp.

"Alice?" Bella asks.

***BPOV***

I leave work for the night and try to hurry home. I don't mind having to work, I

just hate the nights where I have to walk home late by myself. I'd rather get

stuck with a late night slot, then at least by the time I'm going home the sun is

starting to come up. I continue my internal monologue until I see outside my

building and notice boxes outside of it. I know their mine. If I wasn't sure at first,

the fact that I see some of my stuff sticking out the top of one of the boxes is a

pretty good clue. Of course this is just the kind of thing that happens to me, and

today of all days just makes it all the worse. God, I wish things were different. I

wish I was different.

"Fuck! I knew I shouldn't have bought those dime bags off of Bree. Dammit

where the hell am I supposed to sleep now. I swear if that bastard landlord

screwed with my shit there is gonna be hell to pay!"

I continue my shouting to no one in particular, on the verge of breaking down

into tears because I swear the gods are getting off on royally screwing with my

life – that is until I see someone going through my stuff.

"Hey you! Put my shit down before I shove my foot up your ass" I yell. I'm in no

mood to fight off some homeless bum for my shit, that is until I realize I'm now a

homeless bum, so maybe I need to start getting friendly with some of these

people. I mean it can't hurt to be on someone's good side if you're stuck on the

streets.

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