Jane Austen & Seth Grahame-Smith - Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.pdf

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Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Pride And Prejudice And Zombies
By Jane Austin and Seth Grahame-Smith
CHAPTER 1
IT IS A TRUTH universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want
of more brains. Never was this truth more plain than during the recent attacks at Netherfield Park,
in which a household of eighteen was slaughtered and consumed by a horde of the living dead.
"My dear Mr. Bennet," said his lady to him one day, "have you heard that Netherfield Park is
occupied again?"
Mr. Bennet replied that he had not and went about his morning business of dagger sharpening
and musket polishing-for attacks by the unmentionables had grown alarmingly frequent in recent
weeks.
"But it is," returned she.
Mr. Bennet made no answer.
"Do you not want to know who has taken it?" cried his wife impatiently.
"Woman, I am attending to my musket. Prattle on if you must, but leave me to the defense of my
estate!"
This was invitation enough.
"Why, my dear, Mrs. Long says that Netherfield is taken by a young man of large fortune; that he
escaped London in a chaise and four just as the strange plague broke through the Manchester
line."
"What is his name?"
"Bingley. A single man of four or five thousand a year. What a fine thing for our girls!"
"How so? Can he train them in the ways of swordsmanship and musketry?"
"How can you be so tiresome! You must know that I am thinking of his marrying one of them."
"Marriage? In times such as these? Surely this Bingley has no such designs."
"Designs! Nonsense, how can you talk so! It is very likely that he may fall in love with one of
them, and therefore you must visit him as soon as he comes."
"I see no occasion for that. And besides, we mustn't busy the roads more than is absolutely
necessary, lest we lose more horses and carriages to the unfortunate scourge that has so
troubled our beloved Hertfordshire of late."
"But consider your daughters!"
"I am considering them, silly woman! I would much prefer their minds be engaged in the deadly
arts than clouded with dreams of marriage and fortune, as your own so clearly is! Go and see this
Bingley if you must, though I warn you that none of our girls has much to recommend them; they
are all silly and ignorant like their mother, the exception being Lizzy, who has something more of
the killer instinct than her sisters."
"Mr. Bennet, how can you abuse your own children in such a way? You take delight in vexing me.
You have no compassion for my poor nerves."
"You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have
heard of little else these last twenty years at least."
Mr. Bennet was so odd a mixture of quick parts, sarcastic humour, reserve, and self-discipline,
that the experience of three-and-twenty years had been insufficient to make his wife understand
his character. Her mind was less difficult to develop. She was a woman of mean understanding,
little information, and uncertain temper. When she was discontented, she fancied herself nervous.
And when she was nervous-as she was nearly all the time since the first outbreak of the strange
plague in her youth-she sought solace in the comfort of the traditions which now seemed mere
trifles to others.
The business of Mr. Bennett's life was to keep his daughters alive. The business of Mrs.
Bennett's was to get them married.
CHAPTER 2
MR. BENNET WAS AMONG the earliest of those who waited on Mr. Bingley. He had always
intended to visit him, though to the last always assuring his wife that he should not go; and till the
evening after the visit was paid she had no knowledge of it. It was then disclosed in the following
manner. Observing his second daughter employed in carving the Bennett crest in the handle of a
new sword, he suddenly addressed her with:
"I hope Mr. Bingley will like it, Lizzy."
"We are not in a way to know what Mr. Bingley likes," said her mother resentfully, "since we are
not to visit."
"But you forget, mamma," said Elizabeth, "that we shall meet him at the next ball."
Mrs. Bennet deigned not to make any reply, but, unable to contain herself, began scolding one of
her daughters.
"Don't keep coughing so, Kitty, for Heaven s sake! You sound as if you have been stricken!"
"Mother! What a dreadful thing to say, with so many zombies about!" replied Kitty fretfully. "When
is your next ball to be, Lizzy?"
"To-morrow fortnight."
"Aye, so it is," cried her mother, "and it will be impossible to introduce him, since we shall not
know him ourselves. Oh, how I wish I had never heard the name Bingley!"
"I am sorry to hear that" said Mr. Bennett. "If I had known as much this morning I certainly would
not have called on him. It is very unlucky; but as I have actually paid the visit, we cannot escape
the acquaintance now."
The astonishment of the ladies was just what he wished; that of Mrs. Bennet perhaps surpassing
the rest; though, when the first tumult of joy was over, she began to declare that it was what she
had expected all the while.
"How good it was in you, my dear Mr. Bennet! But I knew I should persuade you at last. I was
sure you loved your girls too well to neglect such an acquaintance. Well, how pleased I am! And it
is such a good joke, too, that you should have gone this morning and never said a word about it
till now."
"Do not mistake my indulgence for a relaxation in discipline," said Mr. Bennett. "The girls shall
continue their training as ever-Bingley or no Bingley."
"Of course, of course!" cried Mrs. Bennett."They shall be as deadly as they are fetching!"
"Now, Kitty, you may cough as much as you choose," said Mr. Bennet; and, as he spoke, he left
the room, fatigued with the raptures of his wife.
"What an excellent father you have, girls!" said she, when the door was shut. "Such joys are
scarce since the good Lord saw fit to shut the gates of Hell and doom the dead to walk amongst
us. Lydia, my love, though you are the youngest, I dare say Mr. Bingley will dance with you at the
next ball."
"Oh!" said Lydia stoutly, "I am not afraid; for though I am the youngest, I'm also the most
proficient in the art of tempting the other sex."
The rest of the evening was spent in conjecturing how soon Mr. Bingley would return Mr.
Bennet's visit, and determining when they should ask him to dinner.
CHAPTER 3
NOT ALL THAT Mrs. Bennet, however, with the assistance of her five daughters, could ask on
the subject, was sufficient to draw from her husband any satisfactory description of Mr. Bingley.
They attacked him in various ways-with barefaced questions, ingenious suppositions, and distant
surmises; but he eluded the skill of them all, and they were at last obliged to accept the second-
hand intelligence of their neighbour Lady Lucas. Her report was highly favourable. Sir William had
been delighted with him. He was quite young, wonderfully handsome, and, to crown the whole, he
meant to be at the next ball with a large party. Nothing could be more delightful!
"If I can but see one of my daughters happily settled at Netherfield," said Mrs. Bennet to her
husband, "and all the others equally well married, I shall have nothing to wish for."
"And if I can see all five of them survive England's present difficulties, then neither shall I," he
replied.
In a few days Mr. Bingley returned Mr. Bennet's visit, and sat about ten minutes with him in his
library. He had entertained hopes of being admitted to a sight of the young ladies, of whose
beauty and fighting skill he had heard much; but he saw only the father. The ladies were
somewhat more fortunate, for they had the advantage of ascertaining from an upper window that
he wore a blue coat, rode a black horse, and carried a French carbine rifle upon his back-quite an
exotic weapon for an Englishman. However, from his clumsy wielding of it, Elizabeth was quite
certain that he had little training in musketry or any of the deadly arts.
An invitation to dinner was soon afterwards dispatched; and already had Mrs. Bennet planned the
courses that were to do credit to her
housekeeping, when an answer arrived which deferred it all. Mr. Bingley was obliged to be in
town the following day, and, consequently, unable to accept the honour of their invitation, etc.
Mrs. Bennet was quite disconcerted. She could not imagine what business he could have in town
so soon after his arrival in Hertfordshire. Lady Lucas quieted her fears a little by starting the idea
of his being gone to London only to retrieve a large party for the ball; and a report soon followed
that Mr. Bingley was to bring twelve ladies and seven gentlemen with him to the assembly. The
girls grieved over such a number of ladies, but were comforted by hearing that instead of twelve
he brought only six with him from London-his five sisters and a cousin. And when the party
entered the ball, it consisted of only five altogether-Mr. Bingley, his two sisters, the husband of
the eldest, and another young man.
Mr. Bingley was good-looking and gentlemanlike; he had a pleasant countenance, and easy,
unaffected manners. His sisters were fine women, with an air of decided fashion, but little in the
way of combat training. His brother-in-law, Mr. Hurst, merely looked the gentleman; but his friend
Mr. Darcy soon drew the attention of the room by his fine, tall person, handsome features, noble
mien-and the report which was in general circulation within five minutes after his entrance, of his
having slaughtered more than a thousand unmentionables since the fall of Cambridge. The
gentlemen pronounced him to be a fine figure of a man, the ladies declared he was much
handsomer than Mr. Bingley, and he was looked at with great admiration, until his manners gave
a disgust which turned the tide of his popularity; for he was discovered to be proud, to be above
his company, and above being pleased.
Mr. Bingley had soon made himself acquainted with all the principal people in the room; he was
lively and unreserved, danced every dance, was angry that the ball closed so early, and talked of
giving one himself at Netherfield. And though he lacked Mr. Darcy's proficiency with both sword

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