X-ing a Paragraph.pdf

As it is well known that the 'wise men' in the Bible came 'from

the East', and as Mr Touch-and-go Bullet-head came from the

East, Mr Bullet-head was therefore a wise man; and if further

proof of the matter is needed, here we have it - Mr B. was an

editor. A bad temper was his only weakness; he did not consider

his inability ever to' change his mind

a weakness -

it was, he

firmly believed, his strong point.

I have shown that Touch-and-go Bullet-head was a wise man;

and the only occasion on which he was not wise was when,

leaving the proper home for all wise men, the East, h~ moved to

the

city of Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis,

or some

place

similar name, out West.

But I must be fair, and say that when he made up his mind

finally to settle in that town, he thought that no newspaper, and

therefore no editor, existed in that particular part of the country.

When he started the newspaper which he called the Teapot, he

expected to have no competition. I feel sure that he would never

have thought of going to live in Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis

if he had known that, in Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis, there

lived'O'agentleman named John Smith (if I rightly remember),

who for many years had quietly grown fat editing the Alexander-

the-Great-o-nopolis Daily News. It was only, therefore, because he

was not told about John Smith that Mr Bullet-head found

himself in Alex - suppose we call it Nopolis, for short - but as

he did find himself there, and rather than admit to a' mistake, he

decided to remam. So he did remain; and he did more. He got

out his printing

press, rented

an office exactly opposite

that of

the Daily

News, and the third rnorning

after his arrival saw the

appearance

of the

first

number

of the

Nopolis

Teapot

nearly as I can remember, this was the name of the new paper.

The leading article, I must admit, was excellent - and very

severe. It was especially bitter about things in general - and as for

the editor of the Daily

what John Smith wanted. He, Bullet-head, would make no

change in his style for the satisfaction of Mr Smith in the world.

The

for

ever! He

would

keep

the

would

use

he was cruelly criticized. Some of

whenever

he liked.

News,

Bullet-head's

remarks were really so strong that I am astonished

Burning

with this determination,

the great Touch-and-go,

the next 'Teapot, came out with this simple paragraph.

that John

Smith

managed

live through

the

experience.

'Teapot's words

cannot

hope

give

all the

exactly, but

one

The editor of the Teapot has the honour of advising the editor of the

Daily News that he (the Teapot) will take an opportunity in tomorrow

morning's paper of proving to him (the Daily News) that he (the Teapot)

both can and will be his own master in his written style; he (the Teapot)

will write for the particular satisfaction of him (the Daily

paragraph

goes like this:

Oh, yes! Oh, we can see! 0, no doubt! The editor opposite is such a

clever man. Oh dear! Oh goodness!What is the world coming to?

News)

An article as bitter and well-formed as this exploded like a bomb

among the peaceful citizens of No polis. Groups of excited people

met to discuss it on street corners. Everyone waited nervously for

John

leading article, of some length, in which the beautiful letter 0

shall

most certainly not be avoided by his (the Daily

News's) most obedient

servant, the Teapot.

Smith's reply. Next morning

it appeared in the Daily

News

as follows:

To carry out this terrible

threat which

he had made, the great

Bullet-head

sat up all night, burning

the midnight

lamp-oil, and

In the Teapot of yesterday we find the words: Oh, yes, Oh, we can see!

Oh, no doubt! Oh, dear! Oh, goodness! Why, the man is all O! That

explains why he reasons in a circle, and why there is neither beginning

nor end to him, nor to anything he says.We really do not believe the

man can write a word that hasn't an 0 in it.We wonder if this O-ing is

a habit of his. He came from the East in a great hurry.We wonder if he

OWES as much there as he does here? 0, it is pitiful!

busy with the really unequalled

paragraph

which follows:

So, ho, John! Told you so, you know. Don't shout another time, before

you're out of the woods! Does your mother know you're out? Oh, no,

no! So go home at once, now,John, to your old woods. Go home to

your woods - go!You won't? Oh, pooh, pooh, John, don't do sO.You've

got to go, you know. So go at once, and don't go slow;for nobody owns

you here, you know.You're only a cow, a poor good-for-nothing-to-

nobo(!iydog. Don't complain so,you fool. Oh, John, how you do look!

Told you so,you know. Go and drown your sorrows in a bowl!

I shall not attempt to describe the anger of Mr Bullet-head at

these shocking suggestions. He did not seem to be as angry at the

attack on his honesty as one would have imagined. It was the

attack on his style that upset him. What! He, 'Touch-and-go

Bullet-head' not able to write a word without an 0 in it! He

would soon show Smith that he was mistaken. Yes! He would let

Mr John

Tired out, of course, by so wonderful

a piece of work, the great

Touch-and-go

could do nothing

more that night. He- handed his

article to the printer's

boy who was waiting, and walked slowly

Smith

see that he, Bullet-head,

could

write

a whole

home to bed.

The printer's boy to whom the article was trusted ran upstairs

in a great hurry and prepared to set the article in print.

paragraph

even a whole

article - in which

that unfortunate

vowel did not once appear. But no! That

would

be doing just

was only twelve years old and four feet high, he was always ready

for a fight.

The difficulty described here happens quite frequently in

printing offices; and I cannot explain it, but the fact is certain,

that when the difficulty does come up, it almost always happens

that the letter X is used instead of the letter which is missing. The

true reason, perhaps, is that X is the most plentiful letter in the

boxes, or it was so in old times - for long enough to make the use

of it a habit

First, of course - as the opening word was 'So' - he looked for

and found a capital S. Pleased with this success he immediately

threw himself on the box where

the little O's were kept - but

who

can describe his feelings of horror

when

his fingers came

out

without

a letter

them?

Who

can

tell

his

astonishment

and anger when he realized that the little box was

completely

empty? Not a single little 0 was in the little-O

box;

and, looking

fearfully at the

capital-O

box, he found

that

with

printers.

Bob would

have thought

it quite

exactly the same state - empty. He ran to his master.

'Sir!' said he, breathlessly, 'I can set up nothing without

no O's.'

wrong to use any other letter than the X.

'I shall have to X this paragraph,' he said to himself, as he read

it over in astonishment, 'but it's just about the worst paragraph of

O's that I've ever seen.' So he did X the paragraph,

'What

do you mean by that?' said the chief, who

was very

angry at being kept from his bed so late.

'Well, sir, there isn't an 0 in the office, neither a big one nor a

little one!'

'What has happened to all those that were in the box?'

'I don't know, sir,' said the boy, 'but one of those Daily

and that is

how it was printed.

Next morning the population of Nopolis were all astonished

to read in the Teapot the following leading article:

News

people

has been wandering

abQut here, and I expect he's taken

Sx, hx, ]xhn! Txld yxu sx, yxu· knxw. Dxn't shxut anxther time, befure

yxu're xut of the wxxds! Dxes yxur rnxther knxw yxu're xut? Xh, nx,

nx! Sx gx hxme at xnce, nxw, ]xhn, tx yxur xld wxxds. Gx hxme tx

yxur wxxds - gx!Yxu wxn't? Xh, pxxh, pxxh,]xhn, dxn't dx SX.Yxu've

gxt tx gx, yxu knxw. Sx gx at xnce, and dxn't gx slxw; fxr nxbxdy xwns

yxu here, yxu knxw. Yxu're xnly a cxw, a pxxr, gxxd-fxr-nxthing-tx-

nxbxdy dxg. Dxn't cxmplain sx, yxu fuxl. Xh, ]xhn, hxw yxu dx lxxk!

Txld yxu sx, yxu knxw. Gx and drxwn yxur sxrrxws in a bxwl!

The confusion caused by this strange article cannot be inugined.

The first idea in the minds of the population was that some

devilish trick was hidden by the signs; and there was a general

rush to Bullet-head's house for the purpose of punish{ng him as

he deserved; but that gentleman was nowhere to be found. He

had disappeared, no one could tell how; and not even his shadow

has ever been seen since.

Unable to find him, people's anger died down at last; but there

every one.'

'I haven't a doubt of it,' replied the chief angrily, turning

purple in the face with anger - 'but I tell you what to do, Bob,

that's a good boy - you go over to the Daily

News the first chance

you get, and take everyone of their I's.'

'Right!' replied Bob. 'I'll go; I'll show them a thing or two. But

what about that paragraph? It must go in tonight, you know - if

not, there'll be trouble.'

'Trouble enough. Is it a long paragraph, Bob?'

'I shouldn't call it a very long paragraph.'

'Ah, well, then! Do the best you can with it! We must get it

ready,' said the chief, who was buried in work. 'Just put in some

other letter for 0; nobody's going to read the man's nonsense in

any case.'

'Very well,' replied Bob. 'Here I go!' and off he hurried. 'So I

have to put out their eyes, do I?' The fact is that, although

Bob

remained

quite a variety of opinions

about this unhappy

affair.

One gentleman thought the whole thing an X-ellentjoke.

Another could only suppose that Bullet-head had decided to

X-press his anger in the most imaginative way that he could.

'And to set an X-ample to our children,' suggested another.

It was clear to all that Bullet-head

had been driven to X-treme

j,'.

action; and in fact, since that editor could not be found, there was

some talk of punishing

the other one.

["ling, though, w"' that the ,ifai, W"

Th, mm, conlinon

simply impossible

to X-plain.

Nobody

could

understand

what

had happened.

The opinion of Bob, the printer's boy (who said nothing

about his having X-ed the paragraph), did not receive as much

attention as I think it deserved. He said that he had no doubt

about the matter at all, that it was a clear case, that Mr Bullet-

head never could be persuaded

to drink like other

people, but

drank beer all the time, which

filled him with wind and made

him X (cross) in the X-treme.

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