{531}{608}{y:i}Wouldn't it be good to know|exactly how unpopular you are {610}{678}{y:i}with the opposite sex compared|to your classmates? {680}{749}{y:i}Luckily for me,|someone invented Valentine's Day, {751}{808}{y:i}my favourite annual humiliation. {810}{854}"Roses are red, violets are blue, {856}{908}"your dong is massive,|I want to blow you. {910}{967}"Love from your secret slut." {969}{1033}I didn't get none.|I can't believe you got so many. {1035}{1097}Yes, it is hard to believe. {1099}{1135}"Dear Jay... {1137}{1220}"I've just baked you a finger pie.|Why don't you cum..." {1222}{1294}{y:i}- Spelt C-U-M. "...and taste it?" {1296}{1352}Mate, that's so horny.|Who d'you think it's from? {1354}{1392}- Your dad?|- Yeah, funny. {1394}{1440}Let me look at these. {1442}{1565}"Jay, you massive stud,|please, please spaff on my tits. {1567}{1666}"From your Valentine's bitch.|PS, and on my face." {1668}{1732}That's my favourite,|I like how she remembered the face. {1734}{1814}It's funny how all these cards|seem to be in the same handwriting. {1816}{1913}Your admirers are either very young|or have severe learning difficulties. {1915}{1945}Which is a possibility. {1947}{2038}The handwriting's bad cos they were|strumming one out as they wrote 'em. {2040}{2080}Not you writing with your left hand? {2082}{2146}You're just jealous because|I got loads and you got none. {2148}{2178}I got a card! {2180}{2228}If it's from your nan, it doesn't count. {2230}{2272}I didn't get any, then. {2274}{2339}- I actually did get a card. A proper one.|- Total bollocks. {2341}{2396}Yeah? What do you call this, then? {2399}{2433}- Interesting!|- Wow! Who from? {2435}{2483}Hannah Fields, in the year below. {2485}{2532}Sniff it to see|if she rubbed her fanny on it. {2534}{2577}Neil! {2579}{2626}Nah, just a bit of perfume. {2629}{2686}So what are you gonna do about it? {2689}{2761}Nothing. Apart from making sure|Carli doesn't find out. {2763}{2829}She'll be too busy sucking|on her boyfriend's knob to notice. {2832}{2877}- Shut up!|- What? {2880}{2948}He'll have his cock right deep|in her gob and then in her vag. {2951}{2994}Out the vag, back in the gob. {2997}{3021}Thanks {3023}{3060}Oh, yeah, that reminds me. {3062}{3119}Give that to your mum for us. {3154}{3203}Are you serious? {3205}{3258}- Oh, you are.|- Don't tell her who it's from. {3261}{3310}No, course not. Anything else, Neil? {3313}{3377}- Would you like me to ask her out?|- Would ya?! {3379}{3420}Let me think. Would I? {3422}{3474}No. No, I fucking wouldn't. {3502}{3542}Good morning. And shut up. {3545}{3662}Right, everyone, your work experience|placements have been finalised. {3665}{3746}And as 99% of you|left it to the careers officer, {3749}{3813}I don't want to hear any whingeing|about where you're heading. {3815}{3869}Sir. There seems to be some mistake. {3872}{3962}Is the mistake you choosing|to ignore me saying, "No whingeing"? {3965}{4031}Ha-ha! No, sir. It says here|I'm going to work at a garage. {4033}{4080}- Yes?|- Come on. {4100}{4141}Me, a garage? {4143}{4218}- Does that seem likely?|- What's your point, McKenzie? {4220}{4276}I wrote to the local paper,|to shadow a journalist there. {4278}{4320}Maybe even write a few pieces myself. {4322}{4431}Right, let me have a look. I don't|get paid extra for this, you know. {4433}{4527}OK, it says here that Sutherland|is expected at the newspaper. {4529}{4561}Case closed. {4563}{4630}Well, then there's clearly been|some sort of mix-up. {4632}{4717}I don't mean to be rude|but... look at him. {4719}{4792}- No offence.|- None taken. {4794}{4850}- What was your first choice, Sutherland?|- Airplane driver. {4852}{4882}And that is? {4884}{4936}- Someone who drives planes.|- You mean a pilot. {4938}{4996}- Do I?|- What was your second choice? {4998}{5023}Working with cars. {5025}{5088}Right. Have you ever wanted to work|at a newspaper? {5090}{5166}- No, sir.|- Have you ever read a newspaper? {5168}{5221}- Not really.|- OK... {5223}{5302}It does seem there's been|some sort of mistake here somewhere. {5304}{5386}That's OK, mistakes happen.|Shall I go to the paper tomorrow? {5413}{5483}No. No. {5485}{5536}You go to the garage. It's all booked. {5538}{5582}Is this a joke? {5584}{5635}Do I make a lot of jokes? {5637}{5664}But, sir... {5666}{5712}I can't change the placements. {5714}{5768}Can't or won't? {5821}{5882}You pick. It's the same result. {5946}{5988}Sutherland. {5990}{6077}Does this mean|I won't be driving any planes? {6129}{6216}Well, this is a fuck-up. What kind|of experience will I get at a garage? {6218}{6265}Apart from a depressing|working-class one? {6267}{6319}You get to look at horny calendars. {6321}{6400}Why work for a paper? I thought you|were going into the family business. {6402}{6447}- Which is?|- Prostitution. {6449}{6477}Yep, nice one. {6479}{6586}{y:i}It'll be shit anyway. The clue's|in the name - work experience. {6588}{6676}It won't be shit at my dad's firm, Si.|When I worked there last summer, {6678}{6742}I spent every day jumping JCBs|over cement mixers. {6744}{6773}Well, that's a lie. {6775}{6839}- And I got paid a grand at the end.|- Another lie! {6841}{6890}I had a wank this morning|thinking about your mum's tits. {6892}{6924}- Is that a lie?|- I hope so. {6926}{6953}- It's not.|- Oh, good. {6955}{6990}Sorry, mate. {6992}{7032}I ain't your fuckin' mate! {7034}{7068}He's touchy. {7070}{7151}- Probably cos he's such a shortarse!|- What'd you say? {7153}{7206}- What?|- He's taking the piss, Danny. {7208}{7246}Yeah? I'll fuckin' do you. {7248}{7287}- Yeah, whatever.|- Wanker! {7289}{7333}- What's his problem?|- Ooh, don't cry, Simon! {7335}{7364}Yeah, good one. {7432}{7484}Um, catch you up in a bit. {7486}{7560}Oh, that's right - run after her,|that's not creepy {7595}{7648}{y:i}I may not have received|any Valentine's cards... {7650}{7676}Charlotte... {7678}{7727}{y:i}... but that didn't mean|I hadn't sent any. {7729}{7785}- Charlotte!|- Oh, hello. {7787}{7855}Happy Valentine's Day.|Did you get any cards? {7857}{7924}- Yeah, maybe... ten.|- Ten?! {7926}{8030}Yeah, yeah, me too.|But... did you get any flowers? {8032}{8100}I think you know I did.|I thought it was really sweet. {8102}{8192}And I was gonna say, if you're not doing|anything, we could hang out this Friday. {8194}{8255}I think I'm free. {8257}{8302}Yep. Yes, I am. {8304}{8378}I'm working behind the bar|at this local Valentine's disco thing. {8380}{8481}It's under-18s, so it might be a bit lame,|but if you fancied keeping me company? {8483}{8552}- A date?|- No, Will, not a date. {8554}{8612}Just two friends hanging out. {8614}{8655}Great. See you on Friday. It's a date. {8657}{8710}No, it's not a date. {8712}{8745}Cool. {8758}{8819}{y:i}She said it wasn't a date,|but we both knew it was. {8822}{8918}{y:i}Before that, I had to make the most|of my new, pointless, shitty manual job. {8920}{8944}Hello-o-o? {8987}{9072}Will McKenzie?|Er, I'm here for work experience? {9074}{9184}You must be Will. Great to meet you,|I'm Jim. This here's Wolfie and Steve. {9186}{9256}Hi, Jim. Hi, Steve. Hello, Wolf. {9258}{9295}Wolf-ie. {9297}{9362}- Wolfie, right, gotcha.|- You'll have a right laugh here. {9364}{9437}Long as you don't mind a bit|of blue talk. Not a poof, are ya? {9439}{9484}- No.|- Not a problem if you are, {9487}{9542}just be harder to join in|some of the banter. {9545}{9617}Any part of car mechanics|you're interested in, as it goes? {9619}{9668}To be honest, none of it... as it goes. {9670}{9750}- More interested in bikes, is it?|- No, the media. Or law. {9752}{9838}Look, no offence, but I'm never|gonna work in a place like this. {9841}{9925}- Place like this?|- You know, a place like this. {9928}{10047}{y:i}Manual. Dirty. Not stupid exactly,|but not academic by a long chalk! {10050}{10093}It's not that I'm better than this, {10096}{10176}it's just that I'm much cleverer|than you need to be to work here. {10179}{10235}Steve here's got a BTEC. {10238}{10316}Exactly. I suspect the mix-up'll be|sorted today, I'll be gone tomorrow. {10319}{10379}I see. You don't mind|helping out today, then? {10382}{10425}No, course not. Just the once, eh? {10427}{10510}Right, Cholmondley-Warner. We need|some stuff picking up from the suppliers. {10513}{10558}Fine. Let me just get a pen and paper. {10629}{10652}Great. {10655}{10716}OK, we need two tins of tartan paint. {10719}{10807}- Tartan paint times two.|- Spirit level bubbles. {10810}{10894}- Bubbles for spirit level.|- D'you need anything, Wolfie? {10896}{10942}Yeah, ask him for a reach-around. {10944}{11023}- A reach-around.|- Don't forget, you really need that. {11025}{11081}Fine. So that's two tins of tartan paint, {11083}{11144}bubbles for spirit level and... {11146}{11196}a reach-around. {11198}{11263}- Ask for a long wait while you're there.|- Great! {11355}{11423}Ahhh... {11425}{11458}This is a joke, isn't it? {11460}{11485}What? {11487}{11520}These items... {11522}{11604}they're not real things, are they?|They don't exist. {11606}{11707}- I don't know what you mean.|- I know these initiation ceremonies exist {11709}{11752}in certain types of workplace, {11754}{11817}and, don't get me wrong,|I enjoy the camaraderie, {11819}{11876}but you have to get up|pretty early to fool me. {11878}{11923}No, fair enough, you caught us out. {11925}{11989}- Yeah, fair cop.|- Too sharp for us! {11991}{12049}Why don't we initiate you|with a pint at lunch? {12051}{12098}- Great.|- We'll go to the Crown. {12100}{12153}Barmaid in there's|got a smashing pair of tits. {12181}{12225}OK... {12227}{12304}{y:i}So, while I was getting|a City & Guilds in tits, {12306}{12361}{y:i}Neil was at the newspaper, {12363}...
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