Testament of Marcelo Ramos Motta
To whom it may concern
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
The Scribe N. I was born on June 27, 1931, in the City of Saint Sebastian of Rio de Janeiro, at 9.15 in the morning, with the second decan of Leo rising and the Sun in Cancer. At eleven years of age I became interested for the first time in the mysterious "Rosicrucians", after reading , novel by Sir Edward Bulwer-Lytton, and I decided to search for them and to become one of those mysterious Adepts. During the years following, I studied avidly all the books of occultism that came to my hands.
This provoked alarm and opposition from m family, and eventually I was forced to continue my' studies secretly. This phase lasted until I was sixteen. During this time, I studied magic, alchemy and Yoga in the few books of value and in the many worthless books that treat in Portuguese of these subjects. Always I searched for all documents belonging to, or purporting o belong to, the so-called "Rosicrucian Fraternity." In this way I came into touch successively with the books of Max Heindel, with the "order" ailed AMORC, with the books of R. S. Clymer, and eventually with the novel ROSACRUZ of Dr. Arnold Krumm-Heller.
I always measured such currents by the rule of Zanoni, and found all lacking. Max Heindel was a tiresome babbler; AMORC tried to make me pay for its "mysteries"; Clymer talked, talked, and said nothing. Only the Dr. Krumm-Heller seemed to me to be linked with the high current to which I aspired. I was born on June 27, 1931, in the City of [ ].
It must be here remarked that I was very demanding. For me, the "Rosicrucians," to be "Rosicrucians." would have to possess the Elixir of Life, the Universal Medicine and the Philosophers' Stone. All that which in Zanoni seems so romantic and incredible was what I wanted and what I needed. I refused to consider the descriptions of Lord Lytton as poetic fiction. My position was that such powerful Beings, such Adepts, must exist, or life would be a worthless lie. More; it was not my ambition to become a disciple of some "Master"- nay, I wanted to be a "Master" myself.
Such ambition may seem ridiculous if I observe here that in my personal life I was magically dominated by my mother, a powerful natural magician; that I was a virgin years after puberty; that I was afraid of women; that I masturbated; and, finally, that my emotional development, due to the magical link with my mother (called by profane psychologists "Oedipus Complex"), was retarded several years. However, there existed simultaneously in one lad these grave faults and these great aspirations.
Approximately at thirteen years of age, I vowed myself spontaneously to Service of Mankind. Without my knowing it, the Lords of Karma received the vow (as it ever happens when the vow is sincere), and put under way the necessary currents so that I could either prove or disprove my resolution. At seventeen, through my mother (irony for the profane--wisdom for the initiate!), I found out that there existed an order which was "rosicrucian" and connected with Dr. Krumm-Heller.
I wasted no time setting in touch, and was initiated in the Fraternitas Rosicruciana Antiqua on August 19, 1948. My initiation was a deception to me. I expected something as described in Dr. Krumm-Heller's novel, and instead the ritual was all upon the physical plane, and of a masonic type with which I was familiar. I did not then have the knowledge necessary in order to understand that an important link was then made--as will become apparent, to those who are prepared to perceive it, from the sequence of happenings.
I wrote the Comendador of the order, Dr. D… E… de P…, who presided to my initiation (another important detail), telling him of my deception and my doubts. He answered warmly, admitting that this was not the true Initiation, but advising patience and work. I was told that I should go to gnostic mass (so-called) on Sunday. I had been present at one already, and had not liked it. However, in spirit of obedience, and to certify myself of the worth of the sacrament, I went to one and partook. I felt absolutely nothing, and thereby concluded that the mass, just as the Catholic mass, was worthless (let initiates to the Sanctuary of the Gnosis note this important point'). I never went to another.
Meanwhile, my personal battle against my mother's domination continued harder and harder. She opposed my new interest, of which she herself had been instrument and link, because she suspected each and every influence that might alienate hers. She intrigued, without my knowing, behind my back.I continued masturbating periodically, and I felt intuitively that my presence at lodge work was undesirable under such conditions. At the same time, there fermented in me a dumb revolt against the kind of people with whom I must, during ritual work, form a chain.
I felt that, dirty as was my aura, even so those people lacked certain necessary ingredients to form a magical chain with me; I felt in short that they were unworthy (let Initiates note the apparent contradiction) of such intimate intercourse with me, and did not want to subject myself to the influence of their magnetism. Finally, I killed two birds with one stone, going to the Comendador and confiding to him, under seal of professional secrecy (I went to his medical office), my solitary vice and my intuition that it made my presence at ritual work undesirable. He gave me permission not to appear at ritual work, but he did not give me any information or explanation about my sexual problem (let Initiates to the Sanctuary of the Gnosis note this important detail!).
I drew away completely, on the physical plane, from the activity of the Fraternitas Rosicruciana Antiqua. Meanwhile, my battle against the influence of my mother, after several violent scenes, reached a climax, and I decided to leave Brazil. I was then almost twenty-one years old; and since leaving the Psychical atmosphere of the family, my sexual problems began to dissolve and disappear,The 0rderAbout to leave (against the will and with the opposition of my mother, of course), to Europe and afterwards to the United States of America, I went to visit Dr. D… E… of P…, who then confided to me a subject of great importance for himself, and which surprised me greatly.
He said that, with the death of Dr. Krumm-Heller, the 1eadership of the Fraternitas Rosicruciana Antiqua had passed to the hands of Parsival Krumm-Heller, son of the founder. He said that, some time before his death, Dr. Krumm-Heller had instigated the union of the Fraternitas Rosicruciana Antiqua with the so-called Rosicrucian Fraternity in America, of R. S. Clymer (I remembered then that, at the time of my entry, they had offered me choice between the Americana and the Antiqua.
I had asked which was Dr. Krumm-Heller's, and being told, chose the Antiqua at once. Let initiate take note!).Dr. D. said that one of the first things Parsival Krumm-Heller did after assuming leadership was to write to Dr. D., ordering him to cut relations with Clymer at once, and to dissolve the branch of the "Americana" linked to the Antiqua.Dr. D. thought Parsival Krumm-Heller's letter too autocratic and abrupt, and told me that he had answered protesting against the brusque manner in which he was being treated. He said that Parsival had answered with a letter even ruder (none of the letters of Parsival Krumm-Heller thus described was shown to me).
He said that he had replied in the same manner and that since then Parsival had never written to him.As I was going to Europe, and afterwards to the United States, Dr. D. asked me to visit, and act as ambassador of the Fraternitas in Brazil, towards both Parsival and Clymer; he asked me to try reconciliation with Parsival, and to sound Clymer as to depth or spiritual purity.Of course I accepted such a mission with alacrity. My bitterest disappointment was, upon entering the F.R.A., learn that Dr. Krumm-Heller no longer lived; for years I had wanted to get in touch with him. Now I suddenly was learning that the only man, in my view, who had in out time had contact with the true "rosicrucians", had a son, his successor; and I would be able to visit and speak to this son!
…The Negotiations
Before relating my meeting with Parsival Krumm-Heller, it is necessary to note here another link, and of the greatest importance, in the chain that had began with my vow of service. There was in my time exposed to sight in the Fraternitas Rosicruciana Antiqua, so anybody could see it (it is no longer so), the picture of a strange being, in priestly robes, whom I had always believed to be a woman; but a certain day, having commented on it to a member of a grade higher than mine, he had me surprisedly that that was a picture of a man, the Master THERION, one of the Fraternitas' most important masters.
He seemed astonished that I knew so little about it, and suddenly no longer wanted to speak on the subjectI had completely forgotten this incident. But in Lisbon, on my way to France, passing by a Kook-shop I saw a book entitled The Great Beast. The title awakened my curiosity, and I browsed through. To my surprise I found, in the frontispiece, the very photograph that had awakened my attention in the Fraternitas in Rio!I bought the book and read it in France, and I read it again in Switzerland.
It was (or rather, pretended to be) a biography of Aleister Crowley, and it left me at the same time horrified and excited. Apparently, this Aleister Crowley had been a black magician of the worst kind, a satanist and a monster; and yet, the fundamental rules of his doctrine echoed at once in my heart as the expression of what is noblest and purest: Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Every man and every woman is a star. Love is the law, love under will.
I could no longer doubt that this Aleister Crowley was the master in the photograph in Rio; Do what thou wilt. mistranslated and surrounded of moral" safeguards (Let Initiates take note!), made part of the ritual of the first grade of the F.R.A.I went to see Parsival Krumm-Heller full of misgivings about the F.R.A., full of suspicion, and full of inner struggles between my intuition and my reason.
(NOTE: To give an idea of the conflict between the intuition and the prejudices of education in the Aeon of Osiris, that is, of Virgo-Pisces, I reproduce here a sonnet written in 1949, years before getting in direct contact with the doctrines of Aleister Crowley and the Beast 666. The sonnet is bad, but the idea is significant:I believe in an eternal God, an august God, Formless, impersonal, unknown
.Who never stooped to the sad role of condemning the "wicked", or rewarding the "just"'I believe in the eastern ancient creed. Of incarnation, against which I have heard manyInvectives, and which has been to meA great aid when life is difficult.I believe in love, in hatred, in beauty,In the subtle mysteries of nature,I believe neither in Good nor in Evil! And I go through life always certain, in short,That to be perfect is to have in one's breast, close to something celestial, something from hell!M. )
Parsival Krumm-Heller received me and treated me with the highest courtesy. We understood each other perfectly, he speaking in Spanish, I in English. With the greatest politeness and clarity, he gave me his point of view in the matter that brought me to his presence. According to him, Clymer had got in touch with Dr. Krumm-Heller when the latter was already sick, aged and disgusted, depressed by the Nazi persecutions and subsequent invasion by the allies, with renewed persecutions and abuses.
Clymer had tempted Dr. Krumm-Heller then with that bait eternally appetizing to profanes and low initiates: the idea of unifying all initiatic orders into a single one, powerful and beneficent… It was necessary, said Clymer, to take this measure in order to hasten the reorganization of things after the disorder of war, and to insure a lasting peace, etc. etc. Dr. Krumm swallowed hook and bait, and it was then that Dr. D. in Brazil received instructions to link himself with Clymer.
At the time, Parsival was in Egypt, doing personal research in certain formulae of vocalization. Eventually, Parsival told me, Dr. Krumm was forced to admit to himself that Clymer's real designs were not those he had thought. Clymer wanted to get his hands on all masonic patents, all documents and files of the several orders with which Dr. Krumm was in touch, and Clymer had wanted to make use of Dr. Krumm's great reputation to further his, Clymer's, end of domination over all initiatic orders.
Parsival then showed me several documents comproving his affirmations about Clymer, several of which I photographed and sent thus to Dr. D., who received them, and confirmed reception by letter.Parsival also showed me a letter that I did not photograph, because I ignored at the time its import: the letter from the Head of the O.T.O. to Dr. Krumm, warning him of that Clymer was the instrument of forces most sinister (At the time I did not even know what was the O.T.O.!).
It was after receiving this letter that Dr. Krumm decided to break completely with Clymer. He was already about to die. When Parsival came hastily from Egypt to see him, the father entrusted the son with the leadership of the F.R.A. In the letter of the Head of the O.T.O. to Dr. Krumm mention was made of Crowley, and I took advantage of this to ask Parsival what was his opinion of the latter. Parsival said that Crowley had been a great initiate. I remarked, smiling, that I had read ' The Great Beast, and that in the light of this biography the great initiate was hard to swallow.
He retorted calmly that I should not judge the man without reading something of his works and doctrines; and, ashamed, I had to admit the justice of this. Parsival then said that if I were to remain longer in Europe, he would lend me some material. I told him that unfortunately I was going on to the United States, but that I would try to read something by Crowley, and that I agreed with some of the things the man had said.Before I left Europe, I visited Parsival Krumm-Heller once more, and eventually I convinced him, very delicately, to write to Dr. D. a conciliatory letter (Parsival's position was that, as General Comendador of the Fraternitas, and legitimate successor of his father, Dr. D. owed him discipline and respect). He promised me he would. I wrote then to Dr. D., participating to him what I had done. I told him that I followed on to the United States, and that I would there visit Clymer, as he had solicited from me. Dr. D. answered thanking me, and saying that he awaited Parsival's letter.
I had the best impression, both of the person and the aura of Parsival Krumm-Heller and his kind wife. We made together an occult experiment in which he tried to establish magnetic contact with my aura, but I did not permit him to. It was thus established what would be my way, but at the time I was too ignorant to perceive the fact. Although he gave me no instruction on the subject until long after, when he sent me certain secret documents of the F.R.A., after my first meeting with him I never masturbated again. I am convinced that the influence of his aura quickened my emotional maturing at that time, and for this reason and another which I shall mention further up in this ac-count, I have for him, even today, the greatest affection and gratitude.
In the United States I traveled to Quakertown, Pa., especially to talk to R .S. Clymer. Instead, I talked to a man who said himself Clymer's son, and who was very courteous. His father, he said, had unhappily traveled. He loaned me certain books. I left with him a letter to R. S. Clymer participating my mission, and returned to New York.In New York I received a most insolent letter from Clymer, which I do not here reproduce because it was unsigned. He said that I was an insolent disciple, that Dr. D. was an insolent disciple, and in short, how did we dare to demand satisfactions from him, etc. etc.
I wrote him in return that I hesitated to answer such a letter, especially because it came unsigned; but that finally, due to the importance of an understanding, I had decided to do so. I pointed out that I had never asked to be his disciple, nor, to my knowledge had Dr. D. I sent back with this letter the books they had lent to me, and I sent Dr. D. a copy of Clymer's letter and a copy of my letter, insisting, however, on the fact that Clymer's letter had not been signed.I received another letter from Clymer, even more insolent; I would almost say it was foolish, so rude it was; nothing but invectives; and I did not write him again. This letter came signed with a doodle.
In the university, I corresponded with Parsival for several months. Thus I learned that he had written to Dr. D., and that Dr. D. had answered, but that Dr. D. persisted in his refusal to submit, and that they had not come to an agreement. I wrote both begging that they make up. Parsival instructed me in several matters during almost a year, and finally wrote to me that he was convinced that my type of work was not his, and that for this reason he was passing the direction of my studies to an initiate of much higher grade than himself, who, in his (Parsival's) opinions would be much more useful to me.
He then put me in touch with the Head of the O.T.O., the O.H.O. Frater SATURNUS, at the time X° of the O.T.O. and Magister Templi of the A.·. A. ·.; and this is the other reason for my deep gratitude and respect for Parsival Krumm-Heller, for the humility and disinterest shown by him, and for the opportunity that he thus granted me. Through my new contact I obtained much material by Aleister Crowley, and I was astonished, and I keep being astonished anew, at the spiritual insight) the depth and reach of the occult interests, and the courage of Frater PERDURABO and the Master THERION.
Eventually I was given choice between filiation to the A.·. A.·. and the O.T.O. I chose the A.·. A.·., without hesitation, and to my deep surprise (so the veils we cover ourselves with veil the star's face!) I presently understood myself linked to that Venerable Order to which I had aspired for so many years, and which one must never name. Through years of severe testing, and ordeals in which I have often failed, but from which I always rise to try again, I learned the following facts: Dr. Krumm-Heller belonged to the VIII° of the O.T.O., a Masonic Order to which belonged Richard Wagner, Carl Kellner, Theodor Reuss, Franz Hartmann and Rudolf Steiner, to mention but a few.
1. Initiates of the VIII° of the O.T.O. receive permission to establish personal orders, and it was thus that Dr. Krumm-Heller founded the Fraternitas Rosicruciana Antiqua. The other Brethren of the Sanctuary of the Gnosis, however, disapproved of the imprudent initiative of Dr. Krumm of speculating with the NAME most sacred below the Abyss, and also sacred above; and consequently they drew away from the founder and his order. The grade of initiation and the spiritual contacts of Dr. Krumm produced a current capable of long and strong duration; but the original error returned to him when, eventually, he sank under Clymer's attack.
(It is convenient to insert here a note for the benefit of the profane and low initiates (!now hear this! … ). Why this rule and this injunction, that no Order that makes open use of the name of "rosicrucian" can be legitimate? Because the equilibrium of the forces does not allow it; if the Name is vocalized for public purposes by an initiate, legions of most sinister forces come at once; not out of malice, but because the Grail is sacred from the depth of the ocean to the height of the mountains; and woe to him who invokes, if he does not have balance, and the Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel! Let him who has ears listen. (The great M. hath spoken!)
2. Clymer, or rather, the creature masking itself under this name, is an emissary of the Black Lodge in one of its constant onslaughts against the orders of real initiatic value, that is, with contacts in the Invisible. Happily, his insidious work was promptly brought to naught, as it always happens whenever the Black Lodge dares to make use of the Name of the ROSECROSS (Really, the only explanation of this mad persistence of the "Black Brothers" is in the spiritual blindness, and consequent instinctive attraction of such egregorae towards precisely the currents that shall destroy them.). The subject is beyond the space here at our disposal.
3. The rituals and teachings of the Fraternitas Rosicruciana Antiqua, in what they are of value in the present Aeon, are based upon material of the Master THERION, who when he was in Germany submitted Dr. Krumm-Heller to an initiation and gave him several keys. But this material is badly translated, distorted, and, unhappily, interpreted by Dr. Krumm, who was not prepared to understand it (Even the X° of the O.T.O. is below the Abyss; how much more the VIII°!)
4. The use of the HOLY NAME is the greatest obstacle against the influence of the R… C… really manifesting itself in the Fraternitas Rosicruciana Antiqua. Since Dr. Krumm-Heller's death, contact with the Master R. became less and less frequent (…) and more indirect; and certain entities have taken advantage of the break in the circle represented by Clymer in order to mask themselves as "Masters of the Invisible." The Last Years.
In 1954 I came to Brazil. I knew, from my rare correspondence with Parsival, that Dr. D. still persisted in not wanting to submit to him. I had translated two books by Frater PERDURABO, and I brought the translations with me, in the hope of seeing somebody interested in publishing them. I went to the publishing house 0 Pensamento but I perceived at once, from the aura of the directors, that the death of A.0. Rodrigues had broken the only link of that organization with the Masters.
Indeed, there abounded translations of Clymer, "Ramacharaka" and other, and the first frankly spiritist books were already being issued. When I said that the works I brought with me had been written by Aleister Crowley, Mr. Riedel, the editor-in-chief, sent hastily for a "brother" to be present to the interview and examine my aura… This amused me a great deal, since my auric colors characteristic of my grade, even at that time, are completely beyond the astral vision of anybody, and are visible only to the spiritual vision of an initiate of my grade or a higher (This rule is absolute. Once Dr. Krumm-Heller, then an initiate much higher than, complained to another Brother of the O.T.O. that when he examined PERDURABO's aura he saw nothing but absolute darkness.
The other Brother, who belonged to the A.·. A.·. and was R… C… and more, laughed, and replied that this was only too natural since the true entity of Crowley was on a much higher plane than the highest plane where Dr. Krumm was conscious. This absolute darkness, he said, was the sign of the perfection of the absorption of all the lower vehicles of the man Crowley by his spiritual entity. "One absorbs little and is called white and glistening another absorbs all and is called black." On this subject of the Light of the R… C … being the darkness of the profane, read Robert Fludd, Michael Maier, Jacob Boehme and the Qabalists.
The "brother" mentioned saw but M.'s aura--which is very humdrum! …Passing through Rio, I visited Dr. D… We talked, naturally about Crowley. I told him that Parsival had told me in Germany that once, when his father must consecrate a new lodge, he solicited Crowley's help. Crowley had accompanied him. Crowley, without any ritual or preparation of any kind, simply pronounced the name of the Master to be invoked, and immediately the Master materialized himself in the Lodge. Dr. D. seemed impressed by this anecdote. But when I again visited him after several days, he told me that he had consulted "Sevananda" (then in Rio, and with whom also later he quarreled), and that both were of the opinion that nobody has such a power over the Masters, who come and go as they will, and do not obey to the Crowleys of this world.
I was very pained, for this was the first indication I had of the bad psychical situation of the Comendador. Until now I knew he was humanly vain and jealous of his prerogatives; but I had not yet perceived his obsession with the idea of power. I had not told him the anecdote to prove the "power of Aleister Crowley over the Masters." Crowley was humbly and completely dedicated to Their service his whole life. I had told him the anecdote in order to illustrate the intimate contact of a great initiate with the Invisible, and the excellence of the technical training of his aura, capable of consecrating an atmosphere by its simple presence, and producing an aura favorable to the instantaneous manifestation of a Being of the purest essence. Such a holiness of the aura is an extremely rare thing, and it is always the sign of years of absolute devotion to, and complete harmony with, the Secret Chiefs.
Immediately I decided to insist, respectfully, with Dr. D., for that he should resume contact with Parsival, who was, after all, his legitimate hierarchic superior. He answered evasively. I changed the subject, and told him of Riedel's fear, and of the difficulty in finding somebody interested in publishing my two translations of PERDURABO. Immediately he volunteered to publish them as soon as he finished with the publication of the works of Dr. Jorge Adoum, which was his activity at the time. I entrusted him with the two works very gladly, for I knew that effort on his part to publish them would bring him the protection of the Masters and would renew the current of the F.R.A.
Returning to the United States and to my college courses, I returned also to my occult studies and painful personal tests. My correspondence with Dr. D. became limited to very few letters, but after two years he had not yet published the two translations. Meanwhile I received a communication from Parsival, with whom also I kept very little touch. He informed me that Dr. D. persisted in not wanting to submit to him, and that he had been forced to nominate another Comendador for Brazil, and to give him authority to open new lodges, etc. After those two years, I came briefly to Brazil, and passing by the F.R.A. I asked Dr. D. to return to me the translations. He begged off, saying that he had not yet finished with the translation and publication of the works of the Dr. Adoum.
The translations, he told me, were in the "publishing house" and he would send for them. But when I left for the United States I had still no news from him. I had taken, however, the precaution of warning him that I had complete and sole authority to translate material of THERION and PERDURIBO (the difference between these two "magical names" of Aleister Crowley is evident to initiates) into Portuguese, and publication could not be made without my consent.
In beginnings of 1957, in the United States, I made, just before marrying, and without knowing completely in my personality its reach, the Great Oath, dedicating all that I had and all that I was to the Great Work. I was afraid that the attractions of family life (the life of the love-instinct, called life of the "lunar man" in the Upanishads) would deviate me from the way of initiation, my emotional nature being impulsive and ardent. The Oath, thought I, would add the watchfulness of the Masters to mine, and would insure that such a danger would come to naught… Thus was the Personality deceived, so that it would submit itself to the terrible injunction; the deceit, however, was not of the intuition; and therefore the Oath was sincere, and was again heard and accepted by the Lords of Karma.
Coming again to Brazil, I knew that Parsival and Dr. D. were in open discord. I went to visit Dr. D. He complained to me, indignantly, that Parsival had gone over his head and opened lodges in Brazil without asking for his permission (!). He invectivated Parsival and said that the F.R.A. was getting along fine without him. He boasted of material expansion, many new members, money, etc. I thought to myself: If he's so rich, why doesn't he publish the translations I gave to him?
At this moment we were interrupted by the entry of a brother of the oldest of the F. R. A., whom I had known for a long time. This brother came in trembling with emotion, like a fervent Christian entering the Vatican and meeting the Pope, and spoke timidly to Dr. D. Dr. D. was sweetly pontifical towards him. This exhibition irritated me deeply. It was obscene. Here was a man who, initiated there were many years in an order that called itself "rosicrucian", should have developed moral independence and psychic fearlessness, but who apparently had been encouraged to develop the most opposite qualities.
And Dr. D., instead of scolding him for such an attitude of subservience, and of trying to awaken in him the consciousness of his personal dignity, allowed him to place himself psychically at a dog's level! (That is: at an elemental's level; precisely the contrary of the regular work of every initiatic order really submissive to the purposes of the Great White Brotherhood!) Even if Dr. D. were a great Master, there was no excuse for such behavior; for I
know, with personal experience, that nothing angers so much (or saddens so much, depending on His personality's idiosyncrasies) a Master as seeing a human soul bend its knee and subject its free will to anything that be not its own Holy Guardian Angel, mediator between it and its Divine Triad, its celestial spouse, father and master.
I lost my patience and spoke to Dr. D. as an emissary of the Order that one does not name. (I was, of course, inspired, for I was not prepared to speak to him myself in my human personality.) I told him that it was time for him to link himself to a legitimate initiatic current. I complimented him for his resistance to the several influences which, meanwhile, had tried to possess the F.R.A., but I insisted with him that the necessity to vivify again the magical current of the order was pressing, and that if he should not do so, I foresaw for the F.R.A. an increase of prosperity on the material plane and complete death on the moral plane.
I proposed to him that he choose between two alternatives: either write Parsival and submit like a good initiate to the legitimate chief of his current, or enter in contact with the O.T.O., which, after all, was the Mother Order of the F.R.A. I told him then that my Instructor was the Head of the O.T.O. for the world, and offered to put him in touch if he should subject himself to a very simple test. He heard me with an air of gratitude and attention, and agreed to submit himself to the proposed test. This consisted in an experiment in spiritual vision. I gave him a symbol of the most sacred, and instructed him of that it was his wife, Dona A. (of whom I am reminded with the greatest affection), who should be the seer. (Initiates will understand why it was thus needful in this case; the profane, it matters not to the ends of this document.)
He accepted the conditions, and promised to send me the result and a letter to my Instructor (I did not reveal to him immediately the latter's address, for I wanted to ask permission first, my Instructor having no knowledge whatsoever of this my initiative.). He said good bye to me with the most polite and amiable manner, and I was very gratified by this demonstration of self-control on his part, for I had deliberately been as severe as possible, in order to test his pride (Really, this, and not the vision, was the fundamental part of the test: that he should be capable of recognizing, in a man much younger than himself, whom he himself had initiated in the lowest grade of his order, a Messenger of the Masters.)
I returned to the United States and there opened the letter of Dr. D. to my Instructor (which, as he had told me that he did not write English, French, Italian or German, I had offered myself to translate). It was a pile of insults and invectives against myself. Dr. D. scolded my Instructor (!!!) for giving me material for which I was not prepared, and of which I was "unworthy", specially the Book of the Law (that in the United States, England and Europe may be obtained by anybody in the specialized bookshops. the Law is for all .--AL I, 34). Dr. D. accused me of having told my mother that the F.R.A. was worthless. In short: two thirds of a letter from the Comendador of a headless order originated by a brother of the O.T.O. to the Read of the O.T.O. were spent in invectives against my insignificant person.
I was floored. I had had no notion whatsoever of that Dr. D. harbored such feelings against me. And why, if he felt so, had he not told me about it when I visited him, frankly, man to man? The remaining third of the letter mentioned briefly the test I had given him. He bad not obeyed the conditions, and had not used his wife as seer; he described the vision, which he himself had experienced, very vaguely, as if it were too holy to be described. I translated the letter into English, word by word and insult by insult, and sent translation and original to my Instructor, with my apologies.
His reaction was characteristic. He thought the whole episode was very funny, and told me, in short, that it should serve me for a lesson. He wrote a most attentive and delicate letter to Dr. D. (he sent me a copy of the letter), asking him inclusive details of the vision which he had described so vaguely, and sent the letter air mail, registered. He received no answer. I wrote to Dr. D., telling him that his letter had been sent on to my Instructor with a faithful and literal translation; that an answer had followed, air mail, registered; and I asked him to confirm or deny reception of the letter. I received no answer.
Weeks later, I wrote to my father, asking him to go to the Fraternitas and get back from Dr. D. the two translations I had entrusted to him, and asking him to ask Dr. D. if the latter had received my letters and my Instructor's letter. My father answered that he had gone there, and that Dr. D. had told him that he still intended to publish the translations, only had neither the time nor the money at present, because he was still busy with the translation of Dr. Adoum's works (which, save From Sex to Divinity , have very little value); and that he had received no letter from me or from any Instructor. My father continued in his letter to scold me for my arrogance towards Dr. D. Apparently the latter had convinced him that it was arrogance on my part to claim back my property. I wrote to my Instructor, asking him to write once more to Dr. D., for a possibility remained that his letter, even registered, had become waylaid. My Instructor, figuratively, shrugged his shoulders.
At the time I was incapable of understanding his attitude, which afflicted me very much. I spent several years without coming to Brazil. My personal ordeals were ever deeper; the Masters took my Oath of Renunciation to the letter. I lost my wife's love; I lost my children whom I adored; I lost all my worldly possessions, my reputation, and almost the freedom of my body. My most well-intentioned efforts crumbled to earth; my magical experiments most carefully conducted failed. Despairing, I asked the Invisible at last what I had done of wrong. "Nothing", I was answered. "Thou art being tested." I was glad, then; my sufferings were not the fruit of error or disloyalty on my part; and, just as Job, I began to learn humility and submission to Those to whose service--which is the service of Mankind--I had pledged myself.
At last, after an accumulation of experiences so painful that even today it is hard for me to make the mind concentrate and meditate on some of them, after the gravest errors and the most abject failures, I reached a certain stage of, let us say, consciousness. Immediately happenings came to a head; a last thrust from the Black Lodge… a last failure of the Personality… a dissolution of several Karmic links … And suddenly, when I was considering myself completely fallen, a failure, when I was about to die of shame, I began to sense that, despite myself, my vow had been fulfilled; that I had renounced to the interests of the lunar man; that I had passed through my first real Initiation; and that my Guardian Angel, wherever I went, guided my steps.
I returned to Brazil, sent by Those to whom I had dedicated myself; and though I hardly yet perceived it, so naturally, so graduall...
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