----------------------------------------------------Opening Credits-------------------------------------
JF: Ah, hello, I saw your sign.
MAN WITH VAN: Yeah?
JF: “Man and van”
MAN WITH VAN: That’s me
JF: “No job too big or small, satisfaction guaranteed.”
MAN WITH VAN: That’s right, yeah.
JF: Good, good. You see, I have a killer whale.
MAN WITH VAN: A what?
JF: An orca, if you prefer. And I need it moved from Sea World, Bristol to Edinburgh Zoo.
MAN WITH VAN: Why?
JF: She weighs six and a half tons and must, of course, be kept in strictly temperature-controlled salt water at all times.
MAN WITH VAN: Why are you telling me this?
JF: Well, it’s a big job.
MAN WITH VAN: Yeah.
JF: And for you of course, “no job is too big”.
MAN WITH VAN: Well, within reason.
JF: Oh, within reason?
MAN WITH VAN: Yeah, obviously within reason, yeah. I mean, you’d need a specialist for something like that.
JF: Well interestingly, no I don’t. Because I do not in fact have a killer whale, or indeed an orca.
MAN WITH VAN: Then what are-?
JF: What I have is a crusading desire to correct false and misleading advertising wherever I see it!
MAN WITH VAN: Get out
JF: So I take it you will amend your sign?
MAN WITH VAN: Come on, clear off, you weirdo
JF: To read: “some jobs, too big”
MAN WITH VAN: I mean it, sod off!
JF: Wait! I’ve got another job for you
MAN WITH VAN: I don’t wanna hear it, get out
JF: No, really, a real job, I’ll pay you
MAN WITH VAN: What is it?
JF: I want you to pick something up for me
MAN WITH VAN: What?
JF: A packet of crisps
MAN WITH VAN: A packet of crisps?
JF: “No job too small”
MAN WITH VAN: Where from?
(JF places crisps down)
MAN WITH VAN: Alright
(picks up crisps)
JF: Oh. Thank you
MAN WITH VAN: My pleasure. That’ll be three hundred quid.
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(fanfare)
GUARD1: Halt, traveller. In your quest to reach the Sapphire City you must now pass this test. Before you are two doors. Behind one lies the path you seek, behind the other, a tiger with a gun. In front of each door is a guard. One always lies, the other always tells the truth. You may ask -
TRAVELLER1: Oh right, yeah, this one, yeah. You?
GUARD2: Hello
TRAVELLER1: If I asked the other guy which door led to the city, which would he say?
GUARD2: (sighs) He’d say this one
TRAVELLER1: Then I, my friends, will go through the other!
GUARD1: Yeah, well done
TRAVELLER1: Nice doing business with you!
(door opens then shuts again)
GUARD1: You know, we really need a new puzzle
GUARD2: Yeah. Yeah, I totally disagree.
GUARD1: Honestly, it’s getting ridiculous. Everyone knows the answer these days.
GUARD2: You’re absolutely wrong. They never know the answer, they always get eaten by the tiger, and it’s not annoying at all.
GUARD1: I mean, that poor tiger hasn’t eaten for weeks.
GUARD2: And I really love how smug they always are about it.
GUARD1: Yeah, me too. Whoever it is pays us to sort-of guard these two doors really ought to do something about it.
GUARD2: No, they shouldn’t. It’s fine the way it is.
NEW GUARD: Er, excuse me
GUARD1: Oh, sorry, didn’t see you. Halt, traveller! On your -
NEW GUARD: Uh, no, I’m not actually a traveller
GUARD1: Aren’t you?
NEW GUARD: Yes I am. I’m a traveller seeking the Sapphire City.
GUARD1: Right, well! Before you are two doors-
NEW GUARD: Uh, no, sorry, I’m not a traveller. I’m a new guard sent to join you
GUARD1: What, a new guard?
GUARD2: We’ve been told all about a new guard and we’re expecting you
GUARD1: Don’t mind her, she always- Hang on, are you sure you’re not a traveller? Because I‘m not allowed to say this to travellers
NEW GUARD: Yes, I am a traveller, I told you. So what’s up with these doors then?
GUARD1: You are a traveller?
NEW GUARD: No
GUARD2: I think he really is a traveller
GUARD1: No, nor do I. But if you’re a guard, what’s your rule?
NEW GUARD: I always tell the truth
GUARD1: Well that’s no good, that’s what I do. I always tell the truth.
GUARD2: Yeah, me too, I always tell the truth. We can’t all tell the truth
GUARD1: She doesn’t, she always lies. But I do always tell the truth, so you can’t do that.
NEW GUARD: I don’t always tell the truth, I alternately tell the truth and lie
GUARD1: Do you?
NEW GUARD: No, I always lie
GUARD2: But…but that’s not what I always do
GUARD1: Look, how can we work out what your rule really is?
NEW GUARD: Well, logically, when I said “I always lie” just now, that’s something that could only be said by someone who sometimes lies and sometimes tells the truth.
GUARD1: …yes, that’s true!
GUARD2: No, it’s not!
NEW GUARD: No, it’s not
GUARD1: Isn’t it?
NEW GUARD: Yes, it is.
GUARD1: Hang on. Let me start again.
TRAVELLER2: Ho there! I seek the path to the Sapphire City.
GUARD1: Ah, hello! Right, you’re the first to try our new test.
NEW GUARD: Yes. Before you lie two doors. Both lead to the Sapphire City, but one is a prettier route. There is no tiger with a gun.
GUARD1: Hang on!
GUARD2: Hey! Hey, that’s fair. I never wanted to be the one to set the puzzle and I’m always allowed to be!
GUARD1: Yes, that’s because only I can set the puzzle, otherwise it’s confusing
TRAVELLER2: What’s going on?
NEW GUARD: One of us always tells the truth, one always lies and one alternates truth and lie.
GUARD1: Yes, that bit’s true, but only one of the doors leads to the city and there is a tiger with a gun
NEW GUARD: Actually, there’s three doors. One leads to a city full of tigers, but no guns. One leads to a gun…full of tigers, but no city. And one leads to Portsmouth.
GUARD2: No, no, in fact there are sixteen doors. Two lead to the city, eight lead to one another, one is made of marmalade!
GUARD1: Stop it! He can see how many doors there are, you idiots! Now he knows you two both lie at least sometimes, so I must always tell the truth!
TRAVELLER2: Oh, really? Well which door leads to the city?
GUARD1: Oh, bloody hell - that one.
TRAVELLER2: Thanks!
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PRESENTER: Hello, this is a Radio 4 book programme of some sort, presumably, and I am its presenter. I don’t get a name, it just says “Presenter”. And no wonder, because after this bit it’s basically just “tell me more” and “go on” for the whole sketch. Joining me now is Nicholas Bolton, the editor of a new book, “500 Things To Do Before You’re 30”. Nicholas Bolton, welcome to the show. Tell me more
NICHOLAS: Thank you, presenter. It’s a pleasure to be here. Just to pick you up on one thing, it’s not actually a new book. It’s a new edition of quite an old one
PRESENTER: Really?
NICHOLAS: Yes. In fact, we’ve been publishing this book in some form or other ever since the Bronze Age. When it read, in it’s entirety: “Two things to do before you’re thirty. One: survive, two: procreate.”
PRESENTER: Tell me more
NICHOLAS: Well, this was the version we carried on publishing unchanged for the overwhelming majority of all human history. Eventually, and in relative terms incredibly recently, we added a third “thing to do” in some markets: try to find a way of not minding too much about death.
PRESENTER: Go on
NICHOLAS: Well, these two or three things to do before you’re thirty were more than enough of a challenge for almost everyone who ever lived. Until just a couple of dozen years ago when incredible advances in first world standards of living meant we could suddenly revise it up to 50, and start making people feel inadequate for not paragliding, swimming with dolphins or going to Bali.
PRESENTER: And that’s the version you’re re-issuing this year?
NICHOLAS: Yes, only it’s now 500 things, to ensure that not even the most dedicated time and money rich twenty-something can possibly achieve them all.
PRESENTER: So, can we expect a thousand things next year?
NICHOLAS: Well no, because during the course of this interview I’ve become overwhelmed with shame. And I’ve realised that while there’s nothing wrong with telling people about exciting or interesting things they might not have thought of doing, it’s pretty twisted to turn that into a guilt trip, that uses people’s natural anxiety about making the best use of their time on earth as a stick to beat them with. And incredibly arrogant to set ourselves up as the arbiter of things people “must do” at all, let alone putting a sodding time limit on it. So we’re gonna go back to basics, call it “Two Things To Do Before Or After You’re 30” and give it away free on a postcard.
PRESENTER: So back to “survive and procreate”?
NICHOLAS: No, because most people who can afford books survive to thirty anyway, and it turns out you don’t need to procreate if you don’t want to. It’s going to read “one: be kind, two: have fun”.
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(answerphone beep)
ANSWERPHONE: Hi, this is Katie, leave me a message
(beep)
CHRIS: Oh, hi Katie, it, uh, Chris here, from the pub. Not- not from the pub, I mean we met in a pub, I don’t live in the pub. Though my friends would tell you otherwise! No, they wouldn’t, I’m a very moderate drinker. Though, you know, I’m fun. You know, I can let my hair down. What’s left of it! No, there’s plenty left of it. It’s just, going a bit on the crown, it’s not… Anyway, it’s Chris, and I’m- I’m…I’m going to record this again.
(presses button)
ANSWERPHONE: To re-record you message, press one. To listen to your messages, pre-
CHRIS: Oh, hi Katie, it’s Chris here. We met the other night in the pub I sometimes-but-not-always go to. At Ben’s birthday. Well, I always go to Ben’s birthday, but it’s not always in the pub. And I go to the pub at times that aren’t Ben’s birthday, but this wasn’t one of those times, it was Ben’s birthday and it was in the pub, well you know that, because you were there, that’s where we met and bloody hell, Chris, pull yourself together!
ANSWERPHONE: To re-record your message, press-
CHRIS: Oh, hi Katie, it’s Chris here, we met at Ben’s birthday. Anyway, look, um, I’ve no idea if you’d be interested but I remember you said when we were talking you liked music and… Well, I mean obviously everyone likes music… Sorry, I don’t mean that’s a stupid thing for you to say, I just mean it’s stupid of me to think that just because you like music you necessarily want to- Oh shut up you stupid wittering git!
ANSWERPHONE: To re-record your-
CHRIS: Oh hi, Katie, it’s Chris here. Uh… from Ben’s party. A bit out of the blue, but we were talking about music, weren’t we? And I’ve… I’ve actually got a couple of tickets to that band I was telling you about… Well, I haven’t got them yet, ‘cause you might say no, but I could get them if you- I mean, anyone could get them, I’m not saying “Hey, I’m amazing I can get these tickets”, they’ve not sold out or anything, they’re not that popular, I mean they’re good, but for God’s sake, what’s the matter with you?!
CHRIS: Oh hi, Chrissie, it’s Kate here. Oh for- !
ANSWERPHONE: To re-record-
CHRIS: Oh, hello. Sorry, I must have the wrong number. Oh, but you must be Katie from Ben’s thing… Hi, it’s Chris here, hiya. Sorry, I was trying to ring another Katie I know, but- Oh but actually, since I’m talking to you… No no no, this is a terrible idea
ANSWERPHONE: To re-
CHRIS: Hi, Katie, it’s Chris Callander here, we met at Ben’s party. Listen, you know I was telling you about Next To Zero? Well, um, I’m going along to their gig at the Albany on Friday, just wondered if you’d like to come along? It would be nice to see you again. No worries if you’re busy, but - give me a call back on this number if you fancy me. It! If you fancy it! What the hell is wrong with me?
(beepbeepbeepbeepbeep)
ANSWERPHONE: You have reached the maximum two minute message length.
CHRIS: What? What do you mean “two minute”? Oh god.
ANSWERPHONE: Message saved.
CHRIS: No!
ANSWERPHONE: Please hang up
CHRIS: No! No! No!
ANSWERPHONE: Please hang up, Please hang up. Please hang up…
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LAWYER: And that, my Lord, is why my client, a man with no previous criminal record whatsoever, disguised himself with a balaclava helmet and attempted to mug the plaintiff, for her phone. We are therefore entering a plea of “Guilty, but come on, seriously, what else could he do?”
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NARRATOR: One day, Pooh Bear was on his way home with a brand new jar of honey. And he was just deciding whether it was a late elevenses sort of a jar, or a little something before lunch sort of a jar, when what should he find but all his friends waiting to surprise him.
POOH: Oh, hullo. You’re just in time for a little smackerel of something.
RABBIT: No, Pooh. There’ll be no ...
Meyv