2 - Intro - Module 2 - Dana & Greg - Transcript.pdf - Robbins - Madanes Coach Training - nelbereduardo94

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C: Cloe Madanes

T: Tony Robbins

G: Greg

C: Do you or someone you know have challenges with sexual intimacy? Would you like to be more comfortable

expressing yourself emotionally and sexually? Do you or your partner have sexual or emotional desires that the

other is not able to fulfill? What keeps you from connecting with your partner with all of your love and passion

at the highest level? Challenges with intimacy and sex are one of the leading causes of marital unhappiness and

divorce, but they can often be solved in one day.

In this film you will meet a man who struggled with intimacy problems for thirty years. He was unable to make

eye contact during sex with his wife and immediately after sex he would leave the bed, or even leave the house.

These difficulties had caused pain in his marriage for over ten years and at this point the couple’s sex life was

almost non-existent. However, within the space of one hour, he was able to overcome his fears and enjoy a full,

vibrant, passionate sex life with his wife for the first time in his life. You will learn the steps this man took to

overcome his challenges, as well as the steps for taking your own intimacy and sexuality to the highest level so

that your partner can enjoy everything that you have to offer.

We begin at an Anthony Robbins conference where Tony has been asking for people to share their challenges.

Dana stood up to tell of her desperate situation with her husband.

T: Hi, this lady right here. Give her a hand. [Audience cheers]

D: OK, um, I just wanna first start out by saying that I came in June because I thought I was so desperate that I

thought my marriage was over and I love my husband so much…

T: Oh.

D: …and I didn’t wanna loose him. But our marriage, uh, [clears throat] sorry, I thought is so broken and I

didn’t know how to fix it. I was just helpless and, uh, sorry, I had, um, done your “Personal Power” and I

thought, you know, this is just the best thing I can think of to do. You know, I have to go do this, so I told my

husband, “I’m gonna go to UPW,” and I went and I saw the light. You know, I thought this is something that can

really, I can really learn from this. I can really make changes in my life, I can make changes in my marriage,

and you know, I, for the first time in years I’ve had some hope. And so…

T: So, where are you now?

D: OK, well, what I realized from this exercise, um, going through, we’ve been together fourteen years, um, the

last I would say, probably ten years, we have not had passion. We have not had connection. We have not had

D: Dana

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passion. We have not had connection. We have not had very much intimacy at all, and my heart has hurt, and I

felt lonely, and my focus was on me, me. Why doesn’t he love me? Why doesn’t he care about me? Why, you

know, isn’t he, sh, you know, giving me these things that I want, and I was, have been so focused on me and

what I’m not getting and you know, from time to time trying, you know. I’ll go through a spurt of trying to give

more so that I’ll get back.

T: Right.

D: And, um…

T: Which is what, which is the experience of?

D: Whoring, yea. I was a whore, [audience reacts] and…

T: Please ladies and gentlemen: will you give this woman a hand for her incredible honesty? [Audience cheers]

D: But, um, about a year ago, a year, yea, about a year ago, or maybe two years ago, I went to a worse place

because I said, “You know what? I’m not getting what I want,” and we have a business together. We’ve been

working together for ten years, and, uh, that was just extra pressure, and for the last two years, I know inside

that I am, uh, you know, I am uh, a light, I am a loving, giving, caring, fun, playful person, and I’m, I’m a very

feminine person, but the last two years I turned from being a me-centric person to being a total frickin’

b[bleep]tch, and just to my husband, nobody else would, you know…

T: Course not. You want to be nice to them.

D: [Laughs] Yea. I don’t want anybody else to see that side of me, but I was. I was a, a total b[bleep]tch to him

and, uh, I treated him like sh[bleep]t, and he would get pissed off and he would treat me like sh[bleep]t and,

and, it, you know. It’s been very hurtful, you know, to both of us, and I know now that all that time I thought it

was him, it was him. He has the problem, he, all he cares about is work, and now I know that that’s because that

was one place he could go and be successful. I didn’t understand that.

C: Tony explains that men often focus on their work rather than their relationship because at work they know

what to do to be successful. By understanding that about her husband and by taking responsibility for her own

behavior over the last two years, Dana has taken an important step towards healing the relationship.

D: Now I know, you know, that what I need to do. I know that focusing on me, me, me, me, me is not the

answer. I know I need to focus on this man that I love and that I really believe with every cell in my body is my

soul mate.

T: Where is this man?

D: He’s right there. [Audience cheers] So, [laughs] I have more to say [laughs]. So I’ve gone from, in six

months I’ve gone from having no hope and being in a place of total, you know, hopelessness, to going, to being,

having hope, and now I, I honestly have total certainty that I can, by doing, you know, making a lot of changes,

I know that I can make this marriage what I want it to be, and I can do it for my husband and I can do it for

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myself, and I will. I will make these changes. [Audience cheers]

D: Notice that while Dana is making the important step of taking responsibility for the success of the

relationship, Greg is shaking his head. Tony sees that and will ask him to speak.

G: I shake my head “no” and it’s not that the marriage isn’t gonna work and it wont if she changes. It will work,

but it’s, it’s not anything she can do. It’s something I have to do.

T: Good for you. [Audience cheers] Give him a hand for that. That’s fantastic.

C: Over the course of the event, Dana and Greg have come a long way. They both see what they have not been

doing to make the relationship successful and they are both committed to doing their part. However, Greg has

more to say.

G: [Exhales loudly] Last three relationships prior to my wife, after about a year I just shut the women down.

Um, once I get real intimate with them, that’s it. You’re into it, I’m done. And I’ll let’m go on for a few years

but after that it’s done.

T: Why?

G: I don’t know. So, at forty-four, at forty-four years old right now I finally just decided that she’s everything

that I want. I know that ‘cause I’ve had my list of things that I wanted, but it’s something within me which I

don’t know what it is, that I just keep shutting the girls down. So yesterday you had made something or in fact

this morning you made a statement on stage and I forget exactly what it was but it hit me. I said, you know, I

may never figure this sh[bleep]t out, of why it is that I can’t, in the process of making love to her, I can’t look at

her in the eyes and get the breathing and get the feeling. I have sex and then I roll out of bed, I clean up, I’m

done, ‘cause I cannot go to that level, and I think that fear of I might loose my manly-hood. I just don’t know

what it is that I’ve never gone there. I cannot go there. I cannot express myself openly. I just can’t do it.

So, I just decided this morning when you made a statement, I said, “you know, I may never know what it is, it

just doesn’t matter anymore.” I absolutely have got to go to level one because when she’s in the closet crying all

the time because I wont love her [clears throat] where I’ll go, to the office, and you know, a couple of years ago

I’ve evolved over that, and I’ll break my desk up and go ATVing for six hours by myself. I’ll go stay in a hotel.

I just gotta get away. I don’t know how to communicate. Nothing to do with love, I just don’t know how to

communicate. [clears throat] So I just decided, doesn’t matter because I want what we had in the beginning, and

we’ve lost it because of something within me.

T: First of all, I really honor you for taking such responsibility.

C: Having taken responsibility for the problems that he causes in the relationship, what Greg now needs is to

make a commitment to change.

Take a moment to ask yourself if there were one thing that was holding you back sexually, what would it be?

The first step is to recognize and take responsibility for your part in the intimate relationship. If you have done

anything to hold back, it is time to recognize it and take responsibility for changing.

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T: You have a behavior, and most of us, if you searched your history we have a behavior that we don’t like,

something we do that we don’t like. We claim we want one outcome yet we do another. We call that a reversal.

You say you wanna be closer, but you push the person further away. You say you wanna lose weight, but you eat

more. You know. You say you wanna be closer to God, yet constantly you look at things through the limited

view of this moment and make judgments about good and bad. Whenever we do that, it’s because at some stage

of our life, part of us made a decision that has a positive intent. I believe with my soul that all human behavior

has a positive intent.

So right now this behavior in shutting down in you is just a very young part of you that made a decision about

how to meet some needs. So lets try something for a moment. And anyone else here in this room, if you have a

part of you that does something, if there’s a behavior in you personally despise, dislike, are frustrated with, but

it still happens? While I do this with him, so that he can, you get the benefit not only witnessing, you can do this

with yourself if you wanna follow along with me, OK?

C: Tony will help Greg overcome his problem as he helps the entire group to overcome their own issues. This

creates togetherness and synergy that will help both Greg and the entire group.

T: And the way you do this is the first thing I’d ask you to do is to think of a behavior or an emotion that shows

up in you at times that you dislike immensely, that clearly is not to your advantage, and yet you still engage in

it. OK? Some behavior, some emotion. Now, when I say behavior, I go back. Remember yesterday I said if

somebody overeats, they don’t overeat all the time. They overeat when they get in a certain what? [Audience

answers, “mind state”] So if you wanna change the behavior, identify what emotion triggers it. You might have

a couple. I get really angry, I get really bored, I get really sad, I feel lonely, I eat. Or, I smoke. Or, I do

something… drink. But I like it if you think of that behavior if you wanna change it.

Let’s just see if we can get some insight, and here’s what we’re gonna do: we’re gonna operate from a belief

system, which you don’t have to agree with, but let’s just try it on for size. That all human behavior has a

positive intent. It may have a negative impact, but the initial intent is positive. It’s to meet some needs of that

individual. Does that make sense? That’s part of survival.

C: Greg knows his problem and knows it has to change, but still he struggles with it in frustration. So, Tony

asks Greg first to understand his fear of intimacy, and then to find the positive intent behind that behavior. When

we have an emotional reaction that we can’t control, we need to understand the positive intent behind the

emotional reaction. For instance, the emotions of fear or anger often contain the positive intention of protecting

someone. Understanding the positive intent is the first step toward changing the unwanted behavior.

T: So I didn’t hear your first name.

G: Greg.

T: Greg. So Greg, I’m gonna, I’m gonna you through it. So Greg, I want you, the behavior, describe for me, and

all of you I’d like you to just say out loud, what’s the behavior or the emotion, the feeling that you really, really

dislike and want to change. Everyone just say it out loud, whatever it is. Go ahead. [Audience responds] Say it

again. [Audience responds] Say it again. [Audience responds]

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Now if you said like, “get angry,” anger is a resource. It’s something that can be used. It’s very important to be

able to get angry in some situations. But if it’s over being, over used, that’s a different thing. OK? Overeating

would be a behavior. Whatever it is, whatever it is. In your case, how would you describe the behavior, Greg?

G: Start again with me on the question.

T: What’s the behavior that you’d like to change that doesn’t work, that’s interfering in your relationship?

What’s the behavior, or a pattern of emotion, or a pattern of acting, or being with her that interferes with the

relationship? You described one to me a moment ago. How would you describe it again?

G: I need some clarification.

T: OK.

G: I’m thinking, you have to guide me through this. I’m nervous.

T: That’s no problem, that’s my goal. I wanna assist you. So you told me earlier there’s a behavior that when

you go to make love to your wife, in fact any woman previous to her as well, that you can’t look in their eyes,

you can’t, you know, once you get, once you got too deep intimately, you ended those relationships. After a year

it was over and you may stick around two or three years but be over. That after sex you would roll over, clean

off, I think was the, the descriptive term you had. Um, this is a little too visual for me personally, but [audience

laughs] I’m a visual guy, what can I say, you know? And then you leave, so to speak. Is that what I heard

correctly? Am I…

G: Yes.

T: OK good. So the behavior you’d like to change, or at least understand, is, “why is it that when I go to get

intimate, I shut off emotionally?” Is that correct?

G: Right.

T: Great. So I’d like you to do me a favor, think of the behavior you’d like to understand or change, understand

even, it wouldn’t be bad to understand it, and I’d like you to think about that behavior, and I’d like you, just for

a moment, to touch the part of your body where you think that behavior ignites or resides, that emotion or

behavior. So just physically touch. Just trust your intuition, your first gut reaction. Where does it go? Where

does it come from?

G: Heart.

T: OK, got it. So hang onto your heart, touching your heart. And I want you to go inside right now, and I want

you to understand that every thing has a positive intent. So even though it may not look very pretty, this

behavior has a positive intent. And what, and in order to appreciate it, the more you resist something, the more

you resist, the more it… [audience says “persists”] persists. The more you fight with something that’s that

strong, the more it fights back. And so you just get caught up in a fight, nothing changes. How many know what

I’m talking about here? Say, “I”. [Audience says “I”]

2 - Intro - Module 2 - Dana & Greg - Transcript.pdf

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