A Mother's Love.pdf

A Mother's Love (Renee's POV)

I looked around the neighborhood we’ve lived in safely for almost ten years as I

watered my flowerbeds. I learned all about plants from Esme. My life was ideal

now; I would never need my flowers to be more than decoration in the yard. I

thought of my best friend when working in the yard and wondered how large

Esme’s garden was now. I hoped and prayed it never got any bigger than it was

when I left. I knew its secret. She deserved so much more than her garden. I

wish I knew if she was successful raising her sons as decent men or if Carlisle

won in the end like Charlie had. I would never know since I wouldn’t risk of

Charlie ever discovering where we were. I missed my friend.

It’s such a peaceful neighborhood. We know everyone on our street; all

longtime neighbors. That had been important to me when Phil and I were

searching for a house. Longevity meant safety; we weren’t a neighborhood of

strangers. We had a neighborhood watch, block parties, progressive suppers,

neighborhood movie nights in the summer and Christmas decorating contests in

the winter. Everyone looked out for each other.

I thanked God everyday for bringing Phil into mine and Bella’s life. He is such a

wonderful man; loving, kind, considerate, gentle. He’s my rock and Bella’s

father. Even if he isn’t her biological father, he treats Bella as though she is. He

never made me feel guilty for not being able to have any more children. He

assured me Bella was the only child he needed.

I knew she wouldn’t stay in Arizona for college. She’s been maroon and white

since she was eight years old. Phil had season tickets for A & M football and

baseball games and we went to as many as we could between his and Bella’s

schedules. When Bella experienced First Yell at midnight for the first time she

was hooked. She insisted Phil teach her the fight song the next morning before

the game. Phil was so excited and I was relieved. It was the first time she

showed any sign of affection and acceptance toward him. We were so worried

Bella would never be able to trust him after her experience with Charlie and

James before we left Forks.

I shook my head laughing to myself. They were certainly two peas in a pod now.

They did everything together. Bella spent almost as much time at the ballpark

with Phil as she spent with her friends. Phil taught Bella to play baseball as a

way to build a relationship with her when she was younger. Bella loved softball

and Phil coached her Little League team each year. Now he helped her high

school coach when his team schedule allowed. Phil taught her to skate, to swim,

anything to build her confidence in herself. She learned to trust again because of

him. She was a normal teenage girl now; her beginning wiped out with the love

and security she had all around her.

I wish Phil could adopt Bella, but to do so would mean that Charlie would know

where we are. It took a couple of years before I felt safe enough to sleep through

the night. I used to sleep on the floor next to her bed at night just so I could

assure myself she was safe. Even all these years later, I knew Charlie would try

to take her from me given the chance. I wasn’t sure just how strong the evidence

I had against him would still be all these years later, but it was kept safely with

our attorney just in case. We have done everything we could to ensure Bella’s

safety from Charlie. We had wills in place naming JJ and Teri legal guardians if

anything should happen to me while Bella was still a minor, and enough life

insurance and investments between the two of us that she would be independent.

Our attorney was so helpful in explaining everything we needed to do and

helping us put it all in place.

Sometimes Phil worried I was too protective, keeping Bella in a safety bubble

from the world, but he understood my reasons. I would have to learn to start

letting go now that she was a senior. Being a senior meant freedom to teenagers;

they were driving, most had part-time jobs, preparing to leave home for the first

time to learn to stand on their own two feet. Phil worried Bella wouldn’t be

ready. She wasn’t tough enough. I was so determined to erase the first seven

years of her life from her memory that for the last ten years Bella’s life as been

as ideal as we could make it. I didn’t want her to live in fear. Fear crippled you,

made you a victim. When you lived in fear you allowed people to hurt you. I

loved Meme’s saying, ‘Fear is false evidence appearing real.’

It took almost a year for Bella to come out of her shell, to trust that Phil

wouldn’t hurt her. She was so scared of getting in trouble and being punished by

any man. Charlie encouraged every bad behavior in James if it was directed

toward me, and then Bella when she came. He especially encouraged his

behavior with Bella. Charlie used to let James spank her as part of his twisted

idea of teaching James to be a man. I was helpless to stop him as he always

locked me in the basement until he and James finished. Charlie said it taught

both of them; James to know he had the power and Bella to know her job was to

make a man happy. I tried so hard to secretly teach James right from wrong and

for Bella to stand up for herself, the way Esme was teaching her sons, but it was

no use. James was Charlie’s sponge and Bella was too afraid of them.

My biggest regret was that I couldn’t save my son from Charlie’s influence. He

was his daddy’s son. Charlie never allowed me to discipline him. It hurt to know

my son was probably as much a monster as Charlie by now. Sometimes I would

cry for the loss of James. He may have been a monster but I gave birth to him

and I would always love him. I wish I could have saved him also. The day I left

nearly killed me to walk away without James, but his mind was already full of

Charlie’s sickness. I had to get out with Bella before it was too late for her as

well.

I was scared to death when I took Bella to a doctor after we arrived in Phoenix. I

actually collapsed in the doctor’s arms and wept with joy when he assured me

that there were no signs of trauma or abuse to her body. I got her out in time. I

knew there wasn’t much time left before Charlie moved up to actually abusing

Bella when I saw the way she was eating a popsicle that day. It was the way he

taught me to pleasure him when we were still in high school, after the first time I

tried and ended up gagging and throwing up in his car.

Why didn’t I see it then? If only schools taught girls the warning signs to look

for when they taught sex education. I was all for teaching abstinence vs. safe

sex, as long as they taught the dangers beyond STD’s or pregnancy. There were

so many things that can go wrong for a young girl, the stupidity of youth. I only

saw his popularity on the football team, his gorgeous brown eyes, and his big

burly muscles, and how everyone looked at me with envy. Charlie Swan wanted

me, and no one else. I strutted around that school, always sandwiched between

Charlie and Carlisle, wearing his letterman jacket like I was someone important.

Marriage to Charlie taught me I was nobody; my only purpose in life was to

make him happy. I wasn’t ever to question where he spent his time or why he

came home smelling of women’s perfume. Punishments were brutal and I finally

realized if some other woman kept him happy, then he was easier to deal with

when he came home. Whoever she was I would have liked to thank her; she

actually did me a favor. Charlie’s only real complaint after he found his play toy

was that I couldn’t drop out a son every year for him. It wasn’t like there was

any way to predict the trouble I would have getting pregnant and then the

complications with James’ delivery just compounded the problem.

Everything with Charlie came down to keeping up with the Cullen’s. Like that

could ever happen. We were doing alright on his salary from the police

department and our home may have been small but it was ours. He hated that he

lost his scholarship and had to drop out of college. He raged against the

unfairness of his life constantly. He was always worse after spending time with

Carlisle. The man had more money than anyone could spend in two lifetimes.

To this day I didn’t understand the complexities of the Cullen family empire.

Carlisle’s family had interests in so many different ventures and then he was a

surgeon on top of that. Charlie would never come close; my mistake was trying

to point out the obvious.

That was when he escalated to downright dishonesty on the police force. How

he never got caught was beyond me. I would almost think Carlisle paid off

anyone who got suspicious of Charlie just so he’d always have a friend on the

force. He could drive like a bat out of hell, and I knew he never received a single

speeding ticket. Then they began their horrific idea of Charlie abusing other

men’s wives for money. Charlie and Carlisle were both so evil. Charlie was

terrifying each time he came home from these trips all puffed up with

testosterone and wanting to ‘demonstrate’ for me everything he put some other

poor woman through. I couldn’t conceive the way sickness found sickness. I

often wondered if there was a billboard on some highway lit up with neon signs;

‘Got woman problems? Call 1-800-SADISTS. We’ll fix her right up for you.’

I shook myself from my depressing thoughts. I was feeling extremely

sentimental today; even more than past birthdays. There was a heaviness in my

heart that I couldn’t shake. I felt like time was running out to teach Bella

everything she would need to know to survive life. I was going to need to stock

up on tissues if this continues her entire year. I’ll be a blubbering mess by

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