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Dating Insider - Conversation Dynamics
Conversation Dynamics
* Introduction
* It's All In The Eyes
* The Overwhelming Effect of Small Talk
INTRODUCTION
Conversational skills will make you, and lack of them will break you. You may be the homeliest
guy on the planet, but if you're good with words you can still have some serious game with
women. It's not hard to be good with words - just pay attention to what you say and how you
say it. Speak audibly - don't mumble or stutter, and put life into your hello's and goodbyes .
It's All In The Eyes
Most people (by far the vast majority) don't realize it, but your eyes give effect to much of
what you say; and when it comes to conversation with women, your eyes can be the magic
words to creating attraction. Your eyes reflect mood, and mood is usually infective.
Before we go any further, though, test this out for yourself. Go stand in front of a mirror.
Now, as if you're an actor, pretend to be suddenly angry. Look at your eyes: Do you see how
they change - your eyes reflect your anger. Now take notice of your facial expression. This
is what people see on your face when they see you angry. Now attempt to feel sad - your
eyes should now reflect sadness. Notice your facial expression? This is what people see
when you're sad. What about happy? Cocky? Bored? Serious? Lost? In awe? Confused?
Nervous? Confident? Aggressive? Shy? Laid-back?
Of the wide range of human emotions, all can be reflected in your eyes. And, like an actor,
each emotion can be faked by simply focusing on presenting each emotion in your eyes. The
emotion's respective facial expression will follow.
Where is this going? Well, keep reading.
You've probably heard the term poker-face before. Poker-face represents a person's
ability to conceal their emotions during a game of cards, especially when large bets have
been wagered. Let's say you're dealt a hand that is a sure winner; and because it is, you
want as much money wagered as possible. But if the other card players at the table can read
your excitement at having such a great hand, they may get scared and either place small
bets, or simply fold their cards and drop out. So to keep them unaware of your great hand,
you hide your excitement with a blank face, and maybe even take it one step further by
appearing subtly disappointed. You're careful not to overdo it, though, because then it might
be obvious that you're faking.
In regards to conversation with women, we use a poker-face to cloak the true emotions we
may be feeling - not with a blank face, but with an entirely different emotion altogether. Do
you feel shy? Focus on your eyes and cloak it with confidence. Are you nervous? This is
another emotion easily cloaked with an appearance of confidence. In the case of shyness or
nervousness, confidence is your poker-face.
And it's all in the eyes.
But simply appearing confident with your eyes isn't enough to create attraction. With your
eyes you want to tantalize, tease, be playful, flirt, entice, charm . Now get back in front of
the mirror and think along these lines. It's probably not going to be easy at first. These are
emotional mind sets that most guys aren't familiar with . Have you known any guys that are
great at flirting with women? Think about how their eyes reflected playfulness and charm.
This is the effect that you want to capture . All you have to do is practice and it will
eventually come naturally.
Humor and a sense of fun are some of the most powerful aphrodisiacs in the world, which is
a key point you need to know to realize why appearing playful in your eyes creates attraction
in women.
By using your eyes to entice and charm, you're avoiding the most common facial expressions
that women are turned off by - or rather, aren't turned on by. Appearing too serious, too
comical, too tough, too cool, macho - these are appearances typical of the average guy that
turn off most women. Appearing "playful" sounds like a childish term, but when it comes to
attracting women it can be the deadliest weapon in your arsenal . To women, playfulness says
a lot about you. You're fun. You're confident. You're at ease around women. Obviously
you're used to being successful with women because otherwise you wouldn't have such a
playful approach. You're a flirt. You're a tease. . .
Pay attention to the effect you're having. Your eyes are such a powerful tool, that it only
takes seconds to initiate an attraction. In the end, playful eye contact, when used in the
right amounts (not too little and not too much) can seriously mess women up.
IN ADDITION...
" Once you've been prejudged, it's that much easier to create the effect that you're after .
Notice that we used the word "probably" in the above paragraph? We use the word
"probably" to represent the other person's expectations. This is what he or she expects.
And because they expect it, now it's that much easier to give it to them."
- The Seven Elements of Charisma
When you flirt with women you've just met, not only do you demonstrate confidence and
playfulness (a very effective combination), but you also give off the impression that you're
ACCUSTOMED to flirting with women, which makes you a challenge in a way. When you're at
ease around a woman, her imagination tells her that: a) You're at ease around other women,
which makes you a product probably in "demand". b) You're able to take women for granted,
probably because you're used to being pursued by women. This all adds up to make you an
intriguing person and someone worth getting to know more about.
THE SECRET OF SMALL TALK
Once you've broken the ice with an effective opening, you can pretty much say whatever you
want, as long as you remember some simple guidelines:
1) Listen attentively to what she has to say - not only are you giving her the impression that
she can "talk to you about anything" (a rare trait in men that many women are attracted
too), but you're also picking up on key phrases that she's using, which makes it easy to keep
the conversation going.
2) As you're listening attentively and picking up on key phrases that she's using, look for
opportunities to sprinkle in some background information about yourself. Not much, just
enough to let her know that you're not a serial killer and that you have friends.
In this first conversation, here's an excellent opportunity to plant the seeds of attraction,
and you do this by playing off her imagination (See "Enigma", Section 1, The Seven Elements
of Charisma) . If you can somehow relate to anything she's saying, as soon as she pauses for
a breath, let her know that you can relate, but don't make a big deal about it. Then, rather
than change the subject, go back in time twenty seconds and pick up the conversation
before you had cut in .
By not making a big deal out of the fact that the two of you share something in common, you
immediately put her mind to work . Suddenly she's not sure what your motives are. In
general, when a woman is in conversation with a guy she's never met, in the back of her mind
she's looking for signs that the guy is somehow interested in her. Guys who are obviously
interested are very predictable, with little challenge or mystery to them whatsoever.
So here's an opportunity to present yourself as a challenge - using the element of enigma,
you're goal is to tap into her imagination and make her wonder whether you're interested or
not (Psychologically, this works at almost all stages of the dating game, and a very popular
tactic women use on men). If you're interested, you're interested. If you're not interested,
you're not interested. But if she's not sure, you suddenly present yourself as a challenge,
which (worth repeating a thousand times over) women are known to be attracted to .
Generally when you tell a woman that the two of you have something in common, nine times
out of ten it has the same effect as a pick up line - she thinks that you're trying to con her
and it blows up in your face. Don't tell her you have something in common - show her by
acting like you can relate to what she's saying . She'll realize on her own that the two of you
have something in common and the effect is a hundred times greater.
What are small talk killers? Pay attention - what follows are common mistakes many guys
make when having a conversation with a women for the first time:
1) Don't express interest in her sexually (in any way), be it with your eyes, posture, or
words .
2) Don't give her the third degree: In other words, avoid firing off questions, one after the
other .
3) Don't tell her too much about yourself (for example, your life story), because: a) You may
come across as if you're trying to impress her with words. b) You may come across as if you
"talk too much". c) She may think that you're full of yourself. d) You don't leave anything to
her imagination.
4) Don't come across as too-cocky (cocky is good, but in moderation), too-cool (cool is good,
but again in moderation), macho, or chauvinistic. On the flip side, don't come across as "too
nice".
Unless she's under the effects of alcohol, a woman's walls are usually up when meeting or
being approached by a guy she's never met before. And some women's walls are up thicker
than others. Your goal in the early stages of the conversation process is to tear down her
walls and make her feel at ease in your presence. You can easily do this by assuming an
"innocent" role . In your mind you should have no notion of bedding her, only of making a new
friend. In fact, the moment you talk to a woman with absolutely no thoughts of sex, the
pressure is off and you can talk to her as if you would talk to anyone else. So don't stare at
her (keep eye contact, just don't overdo it), and don't lick your lips!
The secret of small talk is to get her to open up to you, at the same time dropping in bits
and pieces about yourself so that she will feel familiar with you and more at ease . One of
the most effective means to small talk is to empathize and "be there" with her. Empathic
listening , in fact, is considered to be emotionally seductive because a woman thinks that you
share her feelings: pain, fear, anger, elation. As you listen to her, be truly attentive, and
don't jump in immediately with something to say in response, as if you're her opponent in a
talking contest . Too many guys think they need to be impressive with words, when actually
to be truly impressive these guys really need to just shut-up and listen.
Keypoints to remember when making an approach/getting to know a woman:
1. Most women won't speak until spoken to. Make it a goal to get her to open up to you . It
may take a few casual conversations over a period of time, but keep at it.
2. Most women expect guys to be socially adept, which fuels tip # 1. When it comes down to
it, don't be afraid to approach her - she doesn't expect anything less . You're using this
expectation to your advantage.
3. Being assertive (aggressive) in your initial approach/approaches is a turn off . And on the
opposite end, so is being overly nice. Your approach needs to fall somewhere in the
comfortable middle - casual and lighthearted (playful), and ALWAYS with a smile . So be
aware of these two extremes - aggressive/too nice - and simply avoid them.
4. Most women, upon realizing that they are attracted to you, play hard to get to varying
degrees. For the few that play it to a high degree, you are going to have to risk rejection
again and again. Playing hard to get is a mind game typical of most young women (older
women are usually more no-nonsense about things). Once you've realized that the woman in
your sights is playing hard to get, you need to pay attention to her body language. Is she
really playing hard to get? Or is she just not interested in you? If you pick up on any subtle
signs of flirting, then she's probably playing hard to get. Try again ever so casually .
5. Some women like being chased and some don't. So how do you tell? Again, keep an eye on
her body language . If you attempt repeated approaches, and all you ever get is a cold
shoulder, this is a girl that probably doesn't want to be pursued. You can tell you're getting
the cold shoulder if her words are few and she avoids eye contact .
6. In general, it's human nature to be interested in a person who shows interest in you. This
goes both ways. Show sincere interest in a woman if you want the chance for her to show
sincere interest in you. Just be sure not to show too much interest, because then you may
easily scare her away . There is a certain zone, and that zone is this: She knows that you're
checking her out, but at the same time you're giving her the impression that it's no loss to
you whether or not the two of you hook up . This is the interest zone you should consider
aiming for.
For example, rather than ask her out on a date at the end of a friendly conversation, you
can say: " Hey... If you want to hang out sometime, we can hang out sometime ." Then don't
say another word - give her a moment to respond. If she's open to your advances, you should
now know for sure based on the response she gives.
7. Bragging/boasting is a major turn-off. Practice modesty .
8. Acting macho, chauvinistic, or too-cool are also major turn-offs . When talking to women,
be sure that what you say and do doesn't reflect any of these egotistical states.

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